When Sinners Say, “You’re wearing what?”

(Blogger’s apology: The following post may contain comments that could be construed as male/female stereotyping. If you don’t believe the post below represents your experience, keep reading this blog. We’ll get to you eventually)

One of the problems that comes with winter is that it’s dark outside in the morning. That means it’s also dark inside in the morning. Which isn’t that big a deal, unless you’re trying to get dressed with the lights off because you’re leaving early in the morning and you’d like to let your wife sleep in after a very full week. And unless the clothes you wear require approval by a committee of fashion-conscious women in your house who don’t want you to look as old as you really are. And unless the designated colors in your closet all seem to be olive greens and earthy browns. And unless you happen to be colorblind in such a way that makes those particular shades look exactly alike.

So, I woke up the other day and put on what I thought were green pants and a gray shirt. That seems to work – I see football teams wear that combination all the time. Apparently it doesn’t work off the gridiron. Jill was just getting up as I was leaving and caught a glimpse of my ensemble in a ray of light coming through the window.

“That doesn’t go.”

“Yes it does. It’s going to work right now.”

“No, that gray doesn’t go with that green.”

“I thought grays go with greens.”

“No, that gray has brown in it, and that green has blue in it.”

“And blue and brown go together, right? So my gray and my green work and my blue and my brown work.”

“But not all together.”

On the way to work (after changing), I reflected on what has been a regular source of heat in our lives – my wife’s role in my appearance. Here are some things God showed me from that pondering:

· My wife is concerned about my appearance to others because she wants people to respect me like she respects me. She wants people to see me at my best.

· My wife cares about her role as my helper. When I dress in ways that demonstrate a lack of concern for my appearance, it tells others that she is not playing a role that God has fit her for in making her my helpmate.

· For my wife to shop for clothes for me is an expression of her love. Every moment she shops for me says, “I love you and am making you the focus of my attention.” She knows how busy I am and how much I hate to shop for clothes. Guys, if your wife shops for your clothes, it is the suburban equivalent of taking a bullet for you. Be grateful your life has been spared.

Ladies, if you shop for your husbands, here are a some things from guy world that might help you:

· Most guys don’t think in terms of shades or combinations, they think in terms of worlds - the world of black, white and gray, and the world of everything that isn't black, white or gray. And the world of blue. Everything works in the world of blue.

· When it comes to clothes, most guys don’t think in terms of fashion, they think in terms of function. The question isn’t, ‘will this look good?’, they ask, ‘will this be comfortable if I’m having to bend down a lot today?’.

· The more you think like a man when you shop for a man, the fewer things you’ll take back, and the less surprises you’ll have when he comes home after a whole day and you discover what he wrapped himself in for all to see.

Take some time on a date and talk about what clothing means to you and how you can understand each other better in this day to day reality of marriage. Love and care is worked out in the small details of life together.

Marriage is More Than Me

This past Sunday Dave Harvey preached a wonderful message in our series, “In the Beginning” from Genesis 2:18-25, entitled “Marriage is More Than Me”.

Genesis 2:18-25 ⁸ Then the LORD God said, "It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him." ¹⁹ So out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field and every bird of the heavens and brought them to the man to see what he would call them. And whatever the man called every living creature, that was its name. ²⁰ The man gave names to all livestock and to the birds of the heavens and to every beast of the field. But for Adam there was not found a helper fit for him. ²¹ So the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. ²² And the rib that the LORD God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. ²³ Then the man said, "This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man." ²⁴ Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. ²⁵ And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.

Dave made a number of points that Jill and I found helpful. But there are three quotes I thought you’d like to ponder for your marriage this week.

The first is from Dave himself: “Even in Eden, Adam alone with God was not enough”.

For Jill and me, there are times that life seems so full, and so busy, that we forget God’s good purposes for marriage and one of those wonderful purposes is that we were created for one another. And not just to do the “business of life” together, but to see our relationship as a context where we can encourage and exhort one another toward the Savior and living the glorious truths of the gospel. This week, think about one way that you can encourage your spouse toward deepening their intimacy with Jesus Christ

The second is simply penetrating perspective from Puritan commentator Matthew Henry that husbands need to commit to memory, or at least to heart:

“The woman was made of a rib out of the side of Adam; not made out of his head to rule over him, nor out of his feet to be trampled upon by him, but out of his side to be equal with him, under his arm to be protected by him and near his heart to be beloved (by him).”

Husbands, how we view our wives says a lot about how we view God and His glorious purpose for marriage. Take one day this week and honor your wife by communicating your appreciation for how she helps you, as your most trusted partner and friend, with her wisdom, gifts, creativity, and endless service.

And then from contemporary commentator George Knight….,

“Unbeknownst to the people of Moses' day (it was a ‘mystery’), marriage was designed by God from the beginning to be a picture or parable of the relationship between Christ and the church. Back when God was planning what marriage would be like, He planned it for this great purpose: it would give a beautiful earthly picture of the relationship that would someday come about between Christ and His church. This was not known to people for many generations, and that is why Paul can call it a ‘mystery.’ But now in the New Testament age Paul reveals this mystery, and it is amazing.”

This means that when Paul wanted to tell the Ephesians about marriage, he did not just hunt around for a helpful analogy and suddenly think that "Christ and the church" might be a good teaching illustration. No, it was much more fundamental than that: Paul saw that when God designed the original marriage He already had Christ and the church in mind. This is one of God's great purposes in marriage: to picture the relations between Christ and His redeemed people forever!”

Marriage is not about us, its about something far grander. Can you believe we get to participate in such a glorious cause through marriage?!!

The Romance Exchange

One of the ways we want to use this blog is to allow great thoughts or ideas from our folks to get around so we can all benefit. For example, how many couples have said something like, “I wish we could come up with some creative ideas for our date nights.”?

Well, let’s make it happen here. If you send us a date idea, or creative romantic idea that we post, and if someone else actually uses that idea and responds to the post with a recommendation, we’ll give a gift certificate for a local restaurant to both the couple with the original idea, and the first couple to respond to the post AFTER they have tried the idea.

For example. Suppose John and Julie Jones find a great getaway (or a clever way to celebrate an anniversary) and they send their idea to us. And we post it on a Wedded Wednesday. Then suppose Steve and Sally Smith say, “Wow, what a great idea! Let’s try it”. And they do, and it actually works for them as well. Then they can reply to the Smith idea post at Family Life Blog. Once somebody tries the idea and replies to us about it, the Jones will receive a gift certificate for their idea. And if Steve and Sally were the first to get back to us with their experience – they will also receive a gift certificate.

So how do you send an idea? Here are some important questions to answer in your submission.

· Your names

· A description of what you did (as much detail as will be helpful to give another couple not only directions about what you did, but vision for why it might work for them)

· The amount of time it took and what day(s) and times might be best for it

· The total cost (can be ‘under $25’, under $75, etc. we don’t need an exact cost)

· A link or address or phone number for somebody to check it out on their own.

To send an idea, simply hit comment on any Wedded Wednesday post and we’ll get it. So get out there and make some romance happen! Good things await us all.

And Now, the Weekly Sock Report…

Cyndi Smith sent me this story following a community group meeting where we were sharing on the ‘little things’ that tie us up in marriage. I thought it was both funny and applicable to many of us so I asked the Smiths if I could blog it. Here it is in Cyndi’s words.

Over the years there has been an ongoing tension in our marriage relating to Tom's ‘amazing disappearing socks’. It really seems to bother him when socks come back from the laundry unmatched and he regularly comments on how many socks he is missing. I am not fond of these conversations as I (ungraciously) see them as a criticism of the way I care for him. One evening as he was getting ready for bed, he began another inquiry into his missing socks. I felt myself getting annoyed and wanted to head him off before I provoked an argument, so I said, "you know, I'm getting really tired of the weekly sock report and wish you would stop doing it." I realized the moment the words came out. “This is going to be a conflict”’. But the tension was quickly cut by Tom's laughter. "The weekly sock report...that's really good!" We both had a good laugh together and no conflict ensued. I believe it was because Tom was merciful toward me, and this allowed grace in the form of humor to rule the moment. Since then we have had no more weekly sock reports, and no more arguments about socks.

This reminds me of an old Jerry Seinfeld routine where he talks about how socks have one purpose in life, and that is to escape. That’s why they always hide in the edges of the dryer, or cling to other clothes as they’re coming out – it’s a prison break. Sadly, its also the reason you see abandoned socks on the street and in the gutter. They’re the ones who didn’t quite make it.

Anyway, what I loved about the Smith Sock Report is how mercy can come in the form of a gracious response. Proverbs 15:1 reminds us that A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Tom’s ‘soft answer’ was not a mumble, or an unmanly ‘whatever you say dear’. It was wise – it saw the danger in a situation and drove around it on the road of humor. Note that Tom’s humor wasn’t sarcasm, or an attempt to correct through a joke. Laughter isn’t always the best medicine, but harsh words never cure anything.

Tom’s response is a great lesson in gracious speech. Rather than he and Cyndi being on opposite sides of a debate, they found themselves on the same side of a humorous memory. Not a bad trade-off.

Occasional Enemies

This past Saturday night in our Family Life Married Couples Meeting we had the privilege of having our own Dave Harvey speak to our married and engaged couples from his book When Sinners Say, “I Do”.

Dave was drawing on some thoughts in our meeting from Chapter 5, “Mercy Triumphs Over Judgment”. He was working out of Luke 6, where Jesus calls his disciples to, among other things, ‘love your enemies’. In his book Dave points out something that I find both challenging and helpful. Jesus takes the holy call to love and applies it to the most difficult people to love – our enemies – those who ‘hate, curse and abuse you’ (Luke 6:27-28). What does this have to do with marriage? Dave writes, “Everything. Because Christ is showing the comprehensive reach of mercy.” (p. 83)

We think of mercy and loving our enemies as something for those who are set to do us harm. But did you ever think of your conflicts making you and your spouse (as Dave says on p. 83) ‘occasional enemies’? Occasional enemies are usually friends. Occasional enemies say things in anger that they regret saying after the fact. Occasional enemies can pull each other’s past failures out of the memory trunk and ignore change that has taken place in more recent times. Occasional enemies sometimes argue for the sake of arguing, even common sense tells them it’s not going to resolve anything. But occasional enemies have the opportunity to break through conflict with mercy. Mercy is essential to turn occasional enemies back into usual friends. As Tim Lane writes in his excellent book, Relationships – A Mess Worth Making, “Mercy is my commitment to live along side you in this broken world even though I will suffer with you, for you, and because of you.”

Do you want to grow in mercy in your marriage? Ask the following questions:

· Of yourself: Is there anything that my spouse does that tempts me to think they are against me? What inordinate desire might this reveal in me?

· To your spouse: Is there anything I do regularly in our conflicts that makes it seem that we are more enemies at war, than friends working toward peace?

· Before the Lord: How can I understand better the mercy that has come to me through the cross, so that I can better offer mercy to my occasional enemies?

Let’s look for ways we can apply the ‘comprehensive reach of mercy’ this week in our marriages.

Why “When Sinners Say, I do”?

Please remember to join us for our Family Life Meeting this Saturday night, Nov. 10, beginning at 6:30 pm. Our special guest will be our own Dave Harvey, who’ll be talking about his new book, When Sinners Say, ‘I Do’. At our recent ‘Hot Topics’ Family Life Meeting I thought Andy Farmer did a great job clarifying why this book is so helpful, and is being read in so many different areas of the Christian community. Here are Andy’s thoughts that he shared at “Hot Topics”:

We’re studying Dave’s book (and he’s not here tonight so I can do this) “When Sinners Say I Do” and I want to make sure that those who are reading that book get the point. The title of the book is “When Sinners Say I Do”, but the heart of the book is not sin, but what it is like to be married under the watchful gaze and helpful grace of a loving God. And if we study this book and read it and discuss it, not so much looking for “where am I sinning?” but learning to see marriage in a God-referenced way, we’ll discover how grace abounds in both the successes and failures of marriage. Christian marriage books typically start with the importance of God, but by the time you get to the end of the book God is kind of a coach, encouraging you from the sidelines in the work you’re doing in your marriage. But practical things like submission, resolving conflict, dealing with disappointments, all those kinds of things are understood first and best when they’re understood as we live, and breathe and act before a God who is holy but who has our interest at heart. If you just see that, study that, focus on that, it comes alive in the book, and it will help you understand that even the toughest trials of marriage are filled with God-breathed purpose. And that will be so helpful to every married couple.

Come Saturday night and experience ‘God breathed purpose” for your marriage.