The Only Real Parenting Killer

Editor’s Note: On November 9th, Marty Machowski preached a message called “Distinct Parenting” at Sovereign Grace Church in Middletown, Delaware. The entire message can be found here. An encouraging and instructive excerpt is below. As you read, notice the Spirit of God at work in your heart in both conviction and encouragement. Every parent ought to experience both.



Deut 6:5 "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart."

This is both the most sobering and comforting of any parent teaching you will ever get. If you get this one point right, you can fail in the rest of your parenting and your children will have all that they need. That is how critical this is. The reason why is because if your relationship with the Lord is vibrant and strong, you've got the Spirit of God to convict you in all the other areas. None of us are perfect. And it's actually those imperfections, if directed under the gaze of the Gospel and repentance that are our best tutors for our children. So often we can find ourselves thinking things like: "I just want to do really good at raising my children, but I haven't always done a great job spending a lot of time with them. Or I want to read to my children, but I haven't always done that well either. Or I just was a lousy teacher when I homeschooled my kids—or I never went over their homework." We can think things like, "I've broken a lot of promises."


Our mistakes are opportunities. If we love the Lord, our successes in life and in parenting will tell our children "God's grace is sufficient." If we love the Lord in front of them, all of our successes will be translated into "Do you understand? I have this because God has given it to me. My success is not of my own strength. It is the grace of God. And that communicates to our children, "Christianity works!" But if I love the Lord and I fail, well then I confess my sin and I receive forgiveness. And so for example, if I sin against my wife and out of my love for the Lord I restore quickly my relationship with her, I am a failure as a husband in that moment when I sinned, but my children don't see failure, they see hope. We must remember, if we love the Lord, our successes communicate the grace of God; and our failures communicate the grace of God. And so if you get this point right--if this is the only point you get right in your parenting, get this right.


Our indifference to God is the only killer. If we fail to be stirred up toward godliness and to pursuing God, what testimony do we have to pass along? If we are indifferent to sin and we fail to repent and confess, we have no credibility in the eyes of our children. They see us as hypocrites. Hypocrites are not ones who say one thing and do another if when they do the other, they realize that they are wrong and confess that they strayed. That's not a hypocrite. A hypocrite is to say one thing, do another and be indifferent to care.

I Second that Devotion

The situation is pretty familiar. The time is well after dinner, and my kids are buzzing around. “OK guys, time to get ready for bed.” My mind drifts to that moment when they will all be quietly tucked in, with lights out, so that I can grab a few strategic minutes to get something else done. Things typically move more slowly than I would like, and I start to feel the fatigue of the day. With PJ’s on and teeth brushed, I announce, “Alright, hop in bed and turn your lights out.” A voice comes back, “What about family devotions, Dad?”

Oh yeah. Resisting the temptation to pretend I didn’t hear, I gather the kids up so we can share the Word of God and prayer together. The time together takes us later than I would have liked, but it is sweet, and I walk away reflecting a bit.

• First, I remember that time in the Word of God with their father is the primary means of grace that my kids have. Some of them can’t read yet, and even when they do they wind up with so many questions. What an amazing privilege it is to lead them gently toward Christ and Him crucified as God’s answer to our greatest need.
  

• Second, I think of how kind it is of God to supply us Dads with so many resources for leading our children into grace and truth. It makes it so much easier to get started each night. When we are not doing God’s Story by Marty Machowski, my kids and I are currently going through Randy Alcorn’s book, Heaven for Kids. My oldest can’t wait for these times, because there are so many references to Narnia, which she loves. I usually let her read these sections. Not only Narnia, but also Alcorn’s vivid illustrations, make it easy to draw kids into a discussion of eternal things. We’ve read other great stuff, plenty of which is in the church bookstore, like Big Truths for Little Kids or Dangerous Journey.
  

• Third, I realize that we are building a routine into our kids’ lives. I don’t mean something mechanical. When we give our kids hugs on the way out the door for work, or just before bed, they come to expect hugs. They will come to expect regular interaction with God too, if we make this a regular pattern when they’re young.

• Fourth, I think of how we Dads are called to provide for our kids. Sure, I love to provide fun parks and wholesome entertainment when I can, but the most lasting contribution I’ll ever make is inspiration. I don’t want to dazzle them with HD; I want to dazzle them with God! My kids have been inspired by seeing God’s grace at work in David Livingstone, as he courageously wrestles a lion with his bare hands…or in Harriet Tubman, as she absorbs incredible personal cost to go back to the pre-Civil War South time and again to rescue slaves. Best of all, we talk about the King of Glory, who incarnated as a son of man, offering up his body and soul, so that we could become sons of God!

• Lastly, I realize that the effect of all this is slow but cumulative. If we keep leading our kids this way, little by little, we build a legacy. Even now I see glimpses of this at the dinner table when a child makes a connection between one of the bad guys that Christian faces in Dangerous Journey, and his own temptations.
  

I finish reflecting on these things, and head back downstairs. Freshly inspired myself, I keep those devotions coming.

Knowing the State of the Union

I hate roofs. No, not the concept of roofs…I’m thankful for that. I just hate being on roofs. From the second my foot touches a shingle to the second it touches the earth, I feel like I’m going to fall. (Thankfully, we now have a rancher…very kind of God.)

Shortly after we moved into our previous home, a friend asked me what the condition of the roof was. I assured him everything was okay. Of course, as you might have guessed, I had never been up there. But there were no leaks, no draft problems, so everything must be okay. However, to truly know the condition of the roof, actually going up and looking at it might be a good place to start.

So, let me be that friend to you…how’s your marriage? “No leaks…no draft problems…it must be okay.” However, just like a roof, if you wait for problematic symptoms to arise, the fix is so much harder and the damage so much greater. How much better to know about a problem before it finds you.

Knowing the state of your marital union is an important protection in all marriages. This requires a few simple, but crucial, elements:

- Scheduled Communication: Set up 3-4 evenings spread throughout the year for the sole purpose of discussing the state of your union. The same questions each time can serve in fresh ways, since no marriage is exactly the same even three months later. Or, pick four main topics and cover just one topic each evening. Topics such as communication, family schedule, intimacy, and parenting can serve as conversation starters.

- Humility: Each of you needs to be prepared to share some potentially difficult things with your spouse. The degree of your humility in sharing will often determine how well it is received. Also, you need to be prepared to hear some hard things about places where you may be falling short. Accepting that you are quite capable of falling short (and may be really good at it in some areas) will serve your marriage.

- In-Between Conversations: It’s not good to save ALL of your constructive marital conversation for these special times. A culture of open communication as a standard part of marital life will go a long way in helping the state of your union remain good. This requires an atmosphere where it is safe to share. Humility fits perfectly here.

Two closing thoughts.

Guys, the impetus for this rests on you. As the God-appointed leader, it will be you to whom God looks for an answer to the state of your union. Open up your calendars and make room for the most important earthly relationship you have.

Ladies, even though the onus rests on the men, you have been given to him as a helper. Guys as flawed as we are need to know when we are drifting, or missing it altogether. You have a front row seat to the state of your union. Tell your husband, in humility of course, where you feel a conversation or a time of prayer would be helpful.

Each year, the President of the United States longs to be able to say that the state of the union “is good.” Such ought to be our goal. Our calling is higher and our union more important. Though the government is given to us as provision from God, our marriages reflect His relationship with His church. With the stakes as high as that, it is important that we know the state of the union.

Random Acts of Hospitality

I'm not a very spontaneous person. My husband on the other hand is Mr. Spontaneity himself. So when it comes to hospitality, we don’t always start out in the same place.

When I think of hospitality, I think of contacting the people we want to have over and putting a date on the calendar for some time in the future. Or, if I really want to challenge my spontaneous side, I'll prepare on Saturday and then "spontaneously" ask someone over on Sunday morning.

Jeff, however, has begun a new trend. For the second time, in what I perceive as the second of many, Jeff turned to me at the end of the church service and said, "What are we having for lunch today? I want to invite this couple in front of us home for lunch." (May I add a couple we've never met?) A petrified feeling came over me as I answered, "Uh, maybe Ramen noodles?" thinking also of the shambles we left our house in that morning. Jeff sensing my distress (maybe by the color that drained from my face) said, "What about dessert instead?"

As the service closed, Jeff tapped the young couple sitting in front of us, introduced himself, and then asked them if they wanted to come to our house for dessert later in the evening. When they asked what they could bring, he simply said - your testimonies.

Lately we've been sensing the need to be more intentional in our practice of hospitality. We want to engage our guests together as a family and draw our kids into the conversations. We also want to focus a portion of our time to listening to how the Lord is working in the lives of others.

After playing a game with this young couple as a family, our guests each shared their testimony. One son of ours, in particular, was touched and was able to relate to the young man's journey. The Lord used this random act of hospitality to speak into his life just when he needed it most. And, we don't yet know the effect that this couple's testimonies along with the others that have been shared in our home have had in the lives of our other kids.

So recently when I saw Jeff talking to yet another young couple (whom I didn't know) at a wedding, I knew what was coming. "What are we doing tomorrow night?” Jeff asked me. "I just invited them over for dessert."

There is nothing wrong with planning for times of hospitality (I have several dates on the calendar), but may I encourage you to be open to spontaneously inviting people into your home even if it's just for dessert? And don't forget to ask them to bring their testimonies.

Sometimes Wisdom Smacks You in the Face

On these Monday posts I like to try to put things in that are crafted bits of wisdom that require us to mentally chew on them to get the effect. But this one below is simply good truth from an oft told but reliably true story. Get ready for a soul adjustment.

An eminent and well-known English preacher was approached by a congregation member who complained about some aspect of church life. It may have been that he didn't feel welcomed, or that he was finding it hard to make friends and fit in; it could have been that he was finding the service dissatisfying or the preaching too long; it could have been that the music was not to his taste or that his family was not being catered for to his satisfaction. The details of the complaint have been lost in the telling and re-telling of the story.



The preacher listened to the complaint, paused, and then replied with five words that cut straight to the heart of not only the man's problem, but the problem with all grumbling and complaining in church. He simply said, “It's not about you, stupid!” and walked off.


It was a stunningly rude response—the kind that this preacher seemed uniquely capable of getting away with in his very English way. But doesn't it exactly express what is wrong with grumbling and complaining in church?



It really is the height of idiocy to think that church is about me and my needs and my family and my satisfaction. It completely overturns the teaching of the Bible—that church is about God and Christ and loving other people. In fact, if we wanted to summarize Paul's rebuke to the dysfunctional Corinthian church in 1 Corinthians 11-14, a pretty reasonable slogan would be “It's not about you, stupid!”.

Guess what? Pastors grumble about church too – and we actually create and oversee the things we complain about! So this is great advice the next time I’m looking at a week full of meetings or an inbox full of emails. Or anytime I’m tempted to complain.

“It’s not about you, stupid!

Full credit for where I found this is in Tony Payne’s blog ‘The Sola Panel”. Here’s his full blog: The five-word antidote to grumbling

Loving Your Teen

Last Saturday Rob spoke from 1 John 4:7-12 on the essentiality of love as the mark of our assurance. In our Extra Point to parents, we talked about how parents can apply the call of love to parenting teens.

What makes it difficult to love our teens? Perhaps we are approaching the task as if we need some special grace that hasn’t already come to us in Christ. It’s like it somehow takes a new dimension of love to just endure the teen years. But John helps us to see that we love because he first loved us. In other words, love isn’t dispensed to us based on our situational need. God is love; to have him is to have love in its fullness – all the time.

Perhaps one way we can keep ‘love for my teens’ out of the realm of the exceptional is to see how similar it is to the other most significant, and often most challenging context we have – love for our spouse. Consider:

1. In marriage and in raising teens we tend to compare our experience with an idealized or romanticized assumption of what we should expect.

• Where do we get our ideals of marriage and family from? From comparison with somebody else? With some cultural standard? With how we grew up?
• Do you have a clear sense of biblical vision for your family that evaluates every other ideal that finds its way into the family?
  

2. In marriage and in parenting teens we tend to focus on feeling loved, not on loving others.

• Teenage immaturity involves the idea that what I feel and what I think are so overlapping as to be indistinguishable. As parents, we are mature; we should not be that way. We should battle our tendency to let feelings drive our parenting by obedience to God’s word.
• You can tell how much feelings drive our definition of love by we deal with conflict. If we truly love, we will do the hard work of peacemaking.
  

3. In marriage and in parenting teens we can assume that trust and respect are necessary for love. We can withdraw affection if we don’t receive respect, or if we don’t think we can trust our teens.

• In reality respect and trust are fruits of love, not foundations for it. Untrustworthiness and disrespectfulness are sins of character before they are sins of relationship. Love means we will address disrespect and untrustworthiness because they are sins against God and will produce bad fruit in our teen’s life. But love will not demand them – love seeks not its own.
• What would your relationship with your teen look like if you didn’t demand respect and trustworthiness as essential for your relationship?
  

4. In marriage and in parenting teens, bad past experiences can lead to judgments that define our relationship.

• Adults change very slowly, but teens are changing very fast. If we allow bad experiences of even a few weeks ago to shape our present relationship we will never keep up with what is going on in our teens. Rather than assume that our teen’s bad attitude right now is what will define them, why not address it as something that God is at work changing in them.
• What would happen if you interacted with your teen as if mercies were new every morning for them, not just for you?
  

Bottom line – Loving our teens should be familiar to us because it takes the same grace to love them as it takes to love anyone else.

Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. (1 John 4:7)

The Addict in Us All

This past weekend a number of the pastors, and some of the other folks in the church, attended the annual conference sponsored by The Christian Counseling and Education Foundation (CCEF). This year the theme was “The Addict in Us All”. It was an outstanding time of instruction on a biblical understanding of addictions and how God works to free people from addictive behaviors. We learned that ‘addictions’ are complicated and life-controlling habits that root, not primarily in our genetic disposition or social environment, but in our idolatrous hearts.

As you can see from the conference title, we also learned that there is not as much difference between the normal Christian and the out-of-control addict. As David Powlison remarked, "Addiction and Religion are words that are defined in very similar ways. Both communicate devotion to something that shapes our lives and defines our pursuits and commitments."

I spent much of the time pondering my own idolatrous and addictive tendencies. Here are some things I heard that the Lord used to go after my self-sufficient and self-righteous heart, by reminding me that there is nothing ‘addiction-proof in me. See if you can identify with me:

Ed Welch, biblical counselor and neurobiologist: ‘Commitment to a lie becomes voluntary slavery.’

• What lies about me and God do I tolerate that in fact leads to me submitting myself to voluntary slavery to something that isn’t true?

Mark Driscoll, pastor of a church that ministers to an urban area where addictions are a basic reality of life: We not only seek after false gods, we set up false heavens, places where we can live in personal peace, untainted by the sin around us. When we are in our personal heaven, we are ok if everyone else is living in hell.

• What are the little ‘heaven cocoons’ I set up in life where I escape into myself away from others and their suffering in the reality of life?

Mark Driscoll: People who struggle with addiction are usually aware of the effects of their sin on others, but can have difficulty in seeing the effect of sin on God.

• When I sin, do I keep things on a horizontal level, clean up the mess and try to get past my ‘stumble’ as quick as possible? Or do I realize that I can’t presume that God will cover my sin if I never acknowledge it is against him?
  

Mike Emlet, Biblical Counselor and Medical Doctor: Physiological issues of addiction include pleasure achievement (something makes me feel good, or keeps me from feeling bad), dependence (need for the drug to avoid withdrawal), tolerance (need of greater quantities to achieve same effect), and withdrawal (bodily reaction to the absence of the drug.

• Isn’t this essentially what happens in my life? For example, when I’m driving in the car and get bored with the silence (usually by the time I get out of my driveway), do I crank on the radio by habit, so I can stop being bored (pleasure/pain avoidance drive)? Do I feel the need to have the radio on every time I’m in the car (dependence)? Am I willing to tolerate listening to things that might not be spiritually edifying because the stuff I used to listen to is boring to me now (tolerance)? If someone else is in the car and would rather talk, do I keep looking at the radio hoping they get tired of talking (withdrawal)? How many other areas would I show myself to be at least a minor league addict?

Jeff Black, Biblical Counselor, Psychologist and Pastor specializing in Addictions Counseling. All addictive behaviors work. They give us what we want or feel we need at the point of desire. The issue is ‘at what cost?’

• I think this helps me see one of the reasons ‘waiting on the Lord’ is not just something we have to do, but something that is essential to the life of faith. The immediate is the realm of sensual craving; the eventual is the realm of biblical thirst for God.

Our Homes are Never Out of Debt

With the recent addition of Financial Peace University to our offerings of equipping and outreach, getting out of debt has risen as an important goal in the stewardship of our lives. And rightly so. Freedom from debt is freedom indeed.

But there is a debt we can never get out of…and we ought to stop trying. Though our homes are still full of sinners, many of our homes enjoy ongoing fruit of the gospel. It works its way through our own lives, through our marriages and then through our homes. It grows, despite our efforts, and bears fruit.

Jared’s message this week got me thinking along these lines. How, in our homes, are we vulnerable to drift from the gospel? I think it is a common trap for married Christians to allow the gospel to become secondary. When there is conflict, or when there is a difference of opinion, or when lives somehow begin to grow independent of each other, we can rely on a variety of things…in place of the gospel.

We can rely on our communication skills. If we just say something in the right way, or at the right time, things will be okay.

We can rely on our debating skills. Resolution is not the key, it is victory.

We can rely on our selfishness. As long as my way is the winner in the end, the means are justified and don’t much matter.

But most dangerously, we can rely on peace. If we just allow peace to be the governing body in our home, we’re a happy and “godly” family.

What happened to the gospel? And what has happened that has caused us to credit its fruit these lesser gods?

The gospel is the great leveler. It makes all other things, without exception, secondary. The joy we may experience in marriage is not because of our skill or our gifting…it is because of the gospel. The victories we’ve experienced over trials are not because of our fortitude, but because of the gospel.

Charles Spurgeon once said:

If there is anything that is a miniature picture of heaven upon earth, it is a pair of Christians happily united, whose children grow up in the fear of the Lord, and render to them increased comfort and joy every day. Oh, how much some of us owe to the gospel for the happiness of our homes!

And so, today, no practical tips will be given for marriage. They have their place, but not here today. Today, we turn our attention to gratitude. Sincere thanks for the fruit of the gospel in our marriages. For the fact that we have a spouse. For the fact that our spouse would even have us in marriage. And for the fact that a holy God, in an immeasurable act of condescension, would choose to reflect His glory in such a flawed example as our marriage. Truly and only God could do that. How glorious to belong to our spouse…and to our God who gives the unceasing, fruit-bearing gospel.

On the Ideal Woman

I am a regular reader of the blog Girltalk which is written by Carolyn Mahaney and her married daughters- Nicole, Kristen and Janelle. On October 6, 2008 their post was entitled “The Ideal Woman.” In my sin, I thought, oh yeah, here is my nemesis- that Proverbs 31 woman. I have been married over 28 years and have been a believer for longer than that; how much more can I read about her? But because I am so regularly provoked in my walk by what they post, I kept reading. Here are a couple of snippets from that first day:

She’s strong; she’s wise; she’s godly. And she’s intimidating.

For that reason, we sometimes avoid the Proverbs 31 woman! If we were at a party with characters from the Bible, most of us would probably rather hang out with some of the more “flawed” women: Sarah who laughed at God’s promises, or Rebekah who was deceptive, or Martha who was rebuked by our Lord.

The very next day, their post was titled The Proverbs 31 Wife.- She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life” (Proverbs 31:12). Here is what Nicole said on that day:

“Doing Your Husband Good” wouldn’t play well on the cover of a woman’s magazine these days. In the aftermath of the feminist movement, motherhood has made a comeback, and even domesticity has regained popularity, but the role of a wife as portrayed in the Bible remains repulsive.

Kristen shared the following a few days later: First, take a look--Who is the one designed and appointed to bring my husband good? It’s none other then me! Many people may be a blessing to my husband, but as his wife, I have been created, fashioned and designed to be the most effective at bringing my husband good.”

Why is this important? They go on to show how our doing good to our husbands is a powerful display of the Gospel to a fallen world.

Already the Lord was at work in my own heart. He was gently bringing back to my mind, my husband’s comment from last night about how he likes all the window blinds open or how he really liked it better when I hang his shirts a certain way. At the time, in my sinful heart, I was thinking- yeah, yeah- it is really just a preference issue, but the Lord began to show me how in the little things I was not doing my husband good.

Ladies- if you are like me, I need a provoking reminder of what the Word has called me to do. It is so easy with all of the many things in our lives as women- motherhood, housework, Biblical fellowship, serving in the church, reaching out to our neighbors, caring for our parents etc to lose sight of what our first priority is!

Girltalk offered some great perspective on how to do our husbands good for a lot of different marriage situations. Here are just a few examples: A Woman of Action, Good with Her Gifts (even if it is Laundry)’; ‘Doing Good In a Difficult Marriage’; and ‘When I Don’t Want to Do Him Good’. They are even compiling a list of creative ways to do our husbands good!

Let’s take a moment as wives to ask the Lord to help us be doers of His Word. Take some time over the next few days to read the posts at Girltalk and allow the Lord to give you some ideas of ways that you can grow as a Proverbs 31 wife. Whether you are newly married or married for many, many years, I know that the Lord will be faithful as He has been with me to give you creative ways to do “your husband good.”

See God in Love

Saturday night Rob Flood spoke to the Cross Culture Youth from 1 John 4:7-12. He brought out a very helpful perspective from verse 12: No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us.

Here’s some of what Rob said,

“When Christ was here, God’s love was manifest through Him. He ascended and sent His Spirit, so now He lives in us. He abides in us. His love can be manifest though us. The love with which Christ loved is available to us now. With God Himself living in us, we are now the vehicles of God’s love to the world. He who lives in us loves through us.

By our loving one another, God is making the invisible God visible. God is love, and He manifests His love in us. The God who lives in us loves through us.

In his systematic theology, Robert Culver underscores this truth:

“Our love for God and other people is both evidence and fruit of God’s indwelling presence in us and is the means God uses to reveal His holiness and love to the world.” Robert Duncan Culver p.103

It’s not that Jesus loves us, so we have to love others. It is that we love others because God is in us…and God is love. God’s heart is to manifest Himself through His love…through us. We become an active player in the process of God being made manifest in the world.

He who lives in us loves through us. If His love is not coming through us, we must visit the first part…is He living in us? It is the very reason John said in verse 7, “whoever loves has been born of God and knows God.” If the love of God flows through a man, then God lives in that man. If the love of God flows through a woman, then God lives in that woman. God’s love demands a way and manifests itself through how His people love one another.

So, that difficult person you work with…That family member who constantly rubs you the wrong way…That parent (or that child) that you’re certain won’t ever understand you…That friend who wronged you, and maybe doesn’t even know it…How do you love him? How do you love her?

First of all, understand and take comfort in the fact that you’re not in it alone. God is with you. But He’s not standing on the sideline like a coach hoping the players can pull it off this time. He’s not a cheering Dad in the crowd. He is there with you, empowering you, giving you the love you’ll need to carry out the call He’s placed on your life to love others.”

Why is this possible? Because of verse 10.

In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins.


You can listen to the entire message here in a few days.

Enjoying a Dirty Manger

From the time I get home from work to the time the children go to bed, our house is a constant ball of motion. From loud and boisterous greetings of Dad’s homecoming to preparing for dinner, to eating dinner, to bedtime routines, to reading, to tucking in, the pace can give a healthy person whiplash. Then, as we settle into the night, we realize just how many toys, crafts, and socks have not been put away. (What is it with socks, anyway?)

Just the other night, I was commenting to Gina about the children’s mess when she quoted me Proverbs 14:4.

Where there are no oxen, the manger is clean, but abundant crops come by the strength of the ox.

I have to admit, I did not at first see the relevance. However, resting in my confidence in Gina’s spiritual acumen, I thought a bit harder.

Oxen are messy…and stinky, too. If your goal is a clean manger, then “no oxen” is the way to go. However, if your goal is a clean manger you’ll miss all of the blessings that come with oxen.

Here is the parallel for those not yet tracking with me.

Where there are no children, the house is clean, but abundant blessings come through the gift of children.

Children are messy…and sometimes stinky, too. If your goal is a clean house, then “no children” is the way to go. However, once you’ve achieved your clean house, you will miss all of the blessings that come with children.

So, the next time you are overwhelmed with the clutter created by your little ones, or the preponderance of socks strewn about the house, remember how to interpret them. They are small signs that point to a great blessing in your home. They are little love notes from God reminding you of how He loves you and has expressed that love through the gift of the little oxen that fill your home.

And when your heart of hearts wants nothing more than a clean manger, go and kiss the oxen on the head. After that, their stinky mess won’t seem so bad.

Directionally Challenged, Yet Grateful

Some guys I know really get into driving. You may know some, too. If you’ve gone on a road trip with them, they’re the guys who print out the maps, use a highlighter to show the routes you’ll take, and you can pretty much forget about leading the caravan. They’re out in front of that baby, hands down. I’m not that guy. I love that guy. I’m grateful when I drive with or behind that guy; I’m just not that guy. In fact, that guy probably would get easily angered if I tried to be that guy.

One of the first memories my wife and I shared together was when we went to Georgia for my college graduation. After a great weekend of celebrating, we planned to catch our return flight from Atlanta to Philadelphia. The Atlanta airport, we were told, was notorious for having long lines and we were encouraged to get there early. We left plenty of time to drive the airport, drop off our rental car and get to our gate for boarding. As we were driving to the airport reminiscing about the weekend it dawned on my wife that it had been a while since she had seen anything but farmland.

“If the airport’s in Atlanta, shouldn’t we be seeing skyscrapers or at least some large buildings by now?”

She then quickly got out the map and found that we had been traveling a good 45 minutes in the wrong direction. I’d love to tell you at this point that this was my one and only major driving catastrophe. It would be great to report that since this pleasant-turned-panic attack trip to the Atlanta airport I’ve not once made such stupid mistakes. The problem is I’d be flat out lying if I did.

It would be truthful, however, to say that my wife has made very few driving blunders. She is great with directions and I am convinced that I’ve become a better driver because of her. She also happens to be the person in my life that God has used most profoundly to teach me about grace. From her I have received incredible love, patience, and mercy which can only be attributed to the grace of God at work in her life. She helps me to be a better father, a better son and brother, a better friend, and ultimately a better servant of Christ. In my wife God has given to me a daily, flesh and bones reminder that “every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change” (James 1:17).

As the men of Covenant Fellowship Church let us express gratitude to God for the gifts He has given to us in our wives. We should consider the ways our lives are enriched, balanced, and enjoyed because of the grace of God that comes daily to us through our wives. And may we always trace the blessing of our spouse back to the blood of the Lord Jesus Christ, which purchased for us every good thing from the hand of God.

The Key Ingredient

Everyday in our home, Gina is called to the same task, multiple times. She is called to respond out of mercy and not out of revenge. She is called to live with this sinning husband and look favorably upon him, loving him despite the sin she sees. She is called to have mercy in marriage…and mercy for marriage.

The word “mercy” is defined as follows: compassionate or kindly forbearance shown toward an offender, an enemy, or other person in one's power.

Note the ingredients required for mercy. First, there must be an offending person. Someone has to do something wrong. Second, there must be an offended person. This is the person that the offending person offended. Then, the offended person must add the last ingredient of compassion. So the equation looks like this:

Offender + Offended + Compassion = Mercy

We’ve all been the offender, so we’ve got that one covered. Recalling a time when I offended someone, my wife in particular, is not a difficult task.

We’ve all been offended, so we’ve got that one covered, too. Think back to the last time it happened to you. As I think back, I don’t have to go very far for that one either.

Even with the Offender and the Offended in place, however, we do not yet have mercy. Look again at the equation…we’re missing the final ingredient. Now, if the Offended brings the final ingredient of anger, the equation comes out differently.

Offender + Offended + Anger = Revenge

If the Offended brings the final ingredient of self pity, we have yet another equation:

Offender + Offended + Self Pity = Victim

But, if the Offended brings the final ingredient of compassion, now we’re cooking:

Offender + Offended + Compassion = Mercy

We would do well, as spouses, to consider not how often we’ve received offense but just how often we’ve given offense. And not just offending our spouse, but our God, who has never been the offender and yet has boundless mercy upon us.

The LORD is good to all, and his mercy is over all that he has made.
Psalm 145:9

As married sinners desiring to extend the mercy of God, how can we grow in mercy? How can we apply to our spouse the mercy we’ve received?

Marriage and the Mercy of God is a Sovereign Grace regional conference created to help us achieve this very goal. And registration for this conference is coming to a close. Though the event is in January, the registration closes on November 30th. If you’re interested in registering, visit the website by going to mercy4marriage.org

Richard Sibbes, in his book The Bruised Reed, wrote:

It would be a good contest amongst Christians, one to labour to give no offence, and the other to labour to take none. The best men are severe to themselves, tender over others."

So, whether you register for and attend the conference or not, let’s take part in the good contest of laboring to give no offense, laboring to take none, and laboring, finally, to look severely upon our own tendency to offend and tenderly upon others’ tendency to offend.

And, don’t forget to bring the compassion…it is the key ingredient.

Uprooting those Weeds!

A little fable of this past summer.

I took a good look at my front yard, and the weeds were doing a splendid job at what they do. I knew I needed to get in there soon and clear them out. It’s a hot, tiring, and back-breaking job - not one of my favorite things to do! But God had an additional weeding assignment for me that day as well. Let me explain. I had a coffee date with my oldest daughter, Sarah. As we sat down, we both knew we might touch on a recurring topic upon which we disagreed. And so we did very shortly. We talked amiably, but the tension mounted. There seemed to be no bridge in sight. I felt as though I had some wisdom that she needed, so I continued to press my point and give multiple examples that I thought would persuade her. When that didn’t work, I pulled out the “I am still your mother” card and wielded my authority. That kind of shut things down as one would expect, so we left Starbucks quiet and at odds.

I discussed the matter with my husband when I got home and let down my guard a little more. Consequently, my anger became more noticeable, and I even turned it towards him at certain moments. I went to bed troubled, and the next morning during my devotions I was still angry. As I sat there, Bible in hand, a muscle spasm went down my neck and back like a tightened rubber band. Now I was in pain and angry! I cried out to the Lord for help and his forgiving and enabling grace.

Later that day, I was reading the book, "Uprooting Anger", by Robert D. Jones, and I came to the well-known passage in James 4:1 “What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you?” My passions, or as Jones calls them “ruling desires,” were at the root of my anger. In this case, I wanted – or rather demanded – Sarah’s agreement and eager compliance. It wasn’t so much that my desire itself was wrong. I truly still believe that I was offering her biblical wisdom. It’s just that this desire for her to embrace that wisdom and change accordingly had become something I could not live without. Jones calls it “God-playing,” which is declaring that “my kingdom has come and my will be done.” In my heart, I was desiring to rule Sarah and the situation, and now ironically this desire was ruling me.

As I read further, I came to the rest of that passage in James, verse 6 “But He gives us more grace” –one of the most wonderful passages in the Bible. So, I prayed for more grace to enable me to submit my desires to the Lord and lay them down before His throne. I claimed one of the prayers in Jones’ book and made it my own, “Lord, I don’t have to have these things. I realize that in Christ I don’t need them, although I often live as though I do. Father, forgive me. Thank you for the blood of Jesus your Son that paid for all my sins...” As Jones suggested, I also took time to meditate and ask myself, “How does God want me to deal with this situation the next time it occurs?” I want to uproot this ruling desire that fuels my anger. Interestingly enough, I did weed my garden that day—uprooting weed after weed. I hope that’s a sign that I’m on the right track.

What are your ruling desires? Does your garden need a little weeding as well? Read James 4, and I heartily recommend Jones’ book. May you find God’s grace abundant as you explore your heart and your garden.

The Gospel…And all its difficulties

In his classic study of 1 Cor. 13, "Charity and Its Fruits", Jonathan Edwards reminds us that to receive the Gospel is to receive all that comes with it, which can include things we’d rather not accept. The Gospel of grace is a full Gospel – it is the greatest message of joy in the universe, but it is also the deepest message of cost in the universe as well.


"He that does not receive the Gospel with all its difficulties does not receive it as it is proposed to him. He that does not receive Christ with his crosses as well as his crown, does not truly receive him at all. It is true that Christ invites us to come to him to find rest, and to buy wine and milk; but then he also invites us to come and take up the cross, and that daily, and that we may follow him; and if we come only to accept the former, we do not in truth accept the offer of the Gospel, for both go together, the rest and the yoke, the cross and the crown; and it will signify nothing, that, in accepting only the one, we accept what God has never offered to us. They that receive only the easy part of Christianity, and not the difficult, at best are but almost Christians; while they that are wholly Christians receive the whole of Christianity, and thus shall be accepted and honoured, and not cast out with shame, at the last day." (259)
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Meaningful Ministry

Every group of people has their own vernacular. Here at CFC, we have “observations” that we share with other and “evidences of grace” that we see in each other. We get “released” from meetings and we don’t just say “thanks.” No, we say “thanks for serving.” Before coming to Covenant Fellowship Church, and to Sovereign Grace Ministries, Gina and I walked in different circles. One common phrase in one of those circles was “meaningful ministry.”

You may ask, how could any ministry lack meaning? This, of course, is a good question, but not what they meant. This term applied to mothers. “Meaningful ministry” is what mothers experienced when they left their home and took part in evangelism or discipleship or Bible study. So, the picture was that a mom with young children would have to leave her home, and her children, to go take part in “meaningful ministry.”

I understand where that comes from. It can be far less fulfilling changing diapers or cleaning up the living room floor (for the seventh time) than it does leading someone to Christ or counseling a troubled sister. There is a temptation to see that type of ministry as meaningful and the “home” orientation of a mother’s life as mundane. Or, perhaps, the constancy of home life seems dull compared to the fulfillment that awaits participating in the workforce.

There is nothing quite like an eternal perspective to fix the sorrows or challenges of today. To that end, consider these words from Samuel Rutherford:


How soon will some few years pass away, and then when the day is ended, and this life’s lease expires, what have men of the world’s glory, but dreams and thoughts? O happy soul for evermore, who can rightly compare this life with that long-lasting life to come, and can balance the weighty glory of the one with the light golden vanity of the other.

A time is coming when the golden vanity of this life will pass and we take only the eternal into the life to come. The eyes experience clarity when gazing at what is truly of value as “life’s lease expires.” In that moment, the mundane rigors of home life glisten brightly. Each task done, each nose wiped, each diaper changed, each correction and each discussion serve as bricks. When assembled, they form the lives of our children…the one truly eternal possession we’ve been charged with.

When we lose sight of eternity, the loud, shrill voices of daily urgencies drown eternal perspective…and our faith for it. But, when we view our children as possessers of eternal souls, the weighty glory of the long-lasting life serves as ample motivation for each brick.

According to Samuel Rutherford, the soul that can rightly understand this life compared to that one…this temporal glory compared to that eternal, weighty one…will be a happy soul. And that mother, up to her eye balls in mundane bricks, will find herself surrounded my meaningful ministry…greatly meaningful indeed.

Philly Rephlections

It’s been a week since I woke up in a world where a Philadelphia sports team has a won a championship. I kind of like the feeling. But I’ve also had a chance to take a breath and consider what will linger with me in years to come. Here are some things that come to mind.

• I think the Jamie Moyer story is a great one. As a kid he skipped school to go to the 1980 World Series Championship Parade. Twenty-eight years later he is riding in it himself. By all accounts Moyer is a class guy who seems to have a humble appreciation for the opportunity he has to be playing ball at age 45. Hope he finishes his career here.

• Brad Lidge has nerves of steel. He also seems, judging from his comments in the midst of the victory celebration on the field after Game 5, to be a genuine believer. His short, but very natural and sincere, expression of thanks to Jesus Christ in a scene of bedlam got my attention. Interesting how that little video clip doesn’t show up in the network highlights. It does in mine.

• Being originally from the Deep South, I actually understand what Charlie Manual is saying. He talks like all my relatives from the Appalachian hills. When he opens his mouth I feel a little closer to home.

• A world championship in baseball won’t change hearts, won’t end poverty and racism and crime in the city. But it might give folks something to talk about when nothing else seems appropriate. And it will make wearing bright red cool – at least for a while.

• My enduring memory? Being able to sit in my father-in-law Walt’s hospital room with my son Grant and watch the Phillies win the World Series. Walt has been in a hospital bed for four months now. More often than not, if I’ve seen a great sports event in the past 25 years, it’s been with Walt. Apart from being physically at the game, I wouldn’t have wanted to be anywhere else. To be in that small room huddling next to a twelve inch screen, trying not to make too much noise during quiet hours, was a privilege and a blast.

What are your enduring memories of this World Series? What memories will you pass on?

When Being Right is All Wrong

Meet Justin and Paula. They’ve been married for nearly 15 years, most of which have been wonderful years. Recently, though, conflict has been the order of the day. Not war-to-end-all-wars conflict. Just little skirmishes here or there over this small thing or that. Right now, as you read this, they are at the end of another conflict. Paula is in the privileged position of being right…there is no doubt left for either of them that Justin is wrong.

As they go back to their neutral corners (Justin to the TV room and Paula to the bedroom), they both realize that they don’t feel any better now than when the whole thing started. Justin’s not supposed to feel better…he was proven wrong. But Paula won the fight…the joy of vindication and accomplishment is quickly fading and she’s feeling unsettled again…as usual.

Why does Paula still feel hollow and Justin still feel defeated?

Might I suggest an answer? Could it be they’re competing for the wrong prize and, to their own detriment, actually winning it?

You see, Justin and Paula, in their recent history of combat, have been fighting to determine who is right and who is wrong. And the winner is the one with the high ground of the facts being on their side…the right one. But the prize never makes good on the promises it makes.

Determining who is right and who is wrong will never resolve marital conflict. Let me repeat that. Determining who is right and who is wrong will never resolve marital conflict. You see, in order to “win” the chronic fight that they are engaged in, they must turn away from each other and then turn on each other. They have to set themselves up against each other and then attack each other. Someone must “win” and someone must “lose,” and that is no “win” at all.

Think of it another way. We were once embattled against God. Who had the moral high ground? Who had the facts on their side? Well, that would be God. But that didn’t resolve the problem…it WAS the problem. The enmity between us was resolved only by a cross. It was resolved by love and by mercy. It was resolved out of grace. This is what Justin and Paula need.

They need motivations that are for the betterment of the other. They need to be willing to be wronged and love anyway. They need to be willing to be right, but not make that the main issue. If there is enmity between them, resolving the enmity is the goal…not proving who is right or wrong.

It’s not that the facts don’t matter, but they only matter in the greater context of the right prize…the prize of holy oneness. When oneness is the goal of a marriage, suddenly turning on each other is folly…not a strategy. It is destructive…not victorious.

When Justin and Paula understand the need for the cross to have its effect on their marriage, their warfare will be transformed. They will no longer be fighting against each other, but alongside each other after the proper goal of oneness.

And, by the way, the cross will have the same effect in your marriage, too. That’s what the cross does…it destroys enmity and replaces it with grace.

How do I say, “I love you…?”

I did something unpredictable today…I made breakfast for my family on a weekday. That is unusual. We normally do “serve yourself” cereal and toast during the week, but on this particular morning my family woke up to the smell of baked oatmeal and enjoyed it as an additional choice. Though this was a small effort for me, perhaps an additional 5-6 minutes from mixing bowl to oven, it was a huge deal to my family. And I’ve been pondering why. I think that even more significant than what I did is the fact that I surprised them with something, and it communicated “I love you” in a special way—more special than mere words.


As wives and mothers, we can get so caught up in the routines and busy-ness of our lives that we forget how important it is to communicate our affections to our families. Words are important—we should never cease telling our families just how much we love them. But how much more effective when we demonstrate that love in a special way! If you think about it, that’s how God expresses his love for us. “For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son…” (John 3:16). He demonstrated his love in a tangible way by sending Christ. And daily, his mercies, his grace, his presence, and his help serve as tangible reminders of his love.


Our husbands and children need tangible reminders of our love and affection for them. And these reminders don’t need to be big or expensive. It’s quite often the little “surprises” in daily life mean the most! I am always looking for fresh ideas. Here are some things I’ve tried…ways to break the routine with a special surprise that says, “I love you” …

• Make breakfast for dinner (“second breakfast” hobbit style!)
• Serve dessert first at dinner.
• Include an “I love you” sentiment in a packed lunch.
• Hide a little encouragement note in folded laundry.
• Instead of serving dessert, make it together as a family.
• Make pizza together instead of buying it. Let your children choose the toppings.
• Eat a normal weekday dinner on fine china in the dining room. Let your kids dress for dinner!
• Make a holiday dessert for a regular day.
• Take a surprise trip out for ice cream…kids in pjs!
• Make a sign that says, “Good morning, I love you” backwards and tape it on the wall opposite the bathroom mirror. It will read correctly in the mirror! (I can’t take credit for this one…my husband recently did this for me—it works!)

Expressing our love for our husbands and children in tangible ways leaves tangible fingerprints of our love on their hearts. It strengthens our family ties and builds a storehouse of precious memories of just how much mom loves them!

Beyond the Ballot Box

Tomorrow is Election Day – the end of the long campaign trail. One thing is for certain. In about 48 hours or less (barring another chad count) we will know who will lead our country for the next four years. We also know that roughly half the country will be very optimistic about our country’s prospects, while the other half will wonder with varying degrees of anxiety what the future holds.


As we are in this current series, “Shine”, we’re learning about Christians who lived in cultures where the right to vote would have been unthinkable. So as we go to the polls (everybody vote!) let’s keep their reality in mind. Commentator Sam Storms has written a wonderful devotional on Revelation 2 and 3, "To the One Who Conquers". Here’s some great perspective from Dr. Storms for the politics of our day.


“Make no mistake: I’m eternally grateful for the laws that safeguard our rights, and I consistently vote for those candidates who are social, fiscal, and moral conservatives. But have we come so to depend on such political blessings, economic liberties, and the legal protection Christianity enjoys that in their absence we fear the destruction of the church and the silencing of our witness?


The church in Ephesus, as with so many other congregations in the first century, knew nothing of a constitution, a first amendment, or a right to vote. Yet they survived, and thrived, in the midst of what strikes us as unimaginable state-sanctioned idolatry and immortality. Before we panic or lose heart at the state of our state, or the condition of our city, we would do well to remember the promise of Jesus: ‘I will build my church, and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it’ (Matt. 16:18).” (p. 27)