The How Matters, Too!

Have you ever said something meaning something else? Have you ever communicated one thing with your words but another with your tone or your face? Okay…all together now… “YES!” Me, too. Even though our specific actions or words may be the right thing to do or say, how we do or say those things truly matters.

When reflecting upon parenting in light of 1 Corinthians 13:1-2, author Don Gilchrist said the following:

We may speak wonderful words of truth; but if our voice constantly shows annoyance, impatience, or anger, note how the children perceive our teaching! [a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal] We may dig deeply into the mysteries of God and acquire a detailed knowledge of His Word. We may even appear as spiritual giants. But if we don’t love our children, note what we amount to! [nothing]

When we speak to our children, we ought to constantly monitor our tone of voice, our expression of face and our motive of heart. When we bring discipline, even the rod, the condition of their heart when we conclude will largely be dependent upon the condition of our heart when addressing them. When we encourage them, if we do it to manipulate them or even lacking sincerity, the right words will fall to the ground…not settle in their hearts.

In fact, the ears of our children listen past our words most of the time…they listen to our tone, to our intentions. Even in their limited perspective, children can detect when we are for them and when we are against them. They are the receptors of the title of this post…the “how” matters, too.

One passage of Scripture I have found very helpful in guiding my heart and my tongue, not to mention my face, when communicating with my children is found in Ephesians 4:29.

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

If we can faithfully remember that our words are for building up our children, we will avoid tearing them down. If we can faithfully remember that there is a time that is fitting for our words and a time that is NOT fitting for our words, we will avoid ill-timed correction, reprove or even simply observations. And if we can faithfully remember that the effect of our words to our children ought to be grace, it will keep in check our other, lesser motives.

If the how matters, them we all need to examine how we speak to our children. And then me need to acknowledge that how we talk to them is no accident, it is an overflow. (Matthew 12:34)

We build or we destroy with what overflows out of our hearts and off of our tongues. How we build and what we build matter. If we are willing to call our motives and tone to account, our children will experience the grace of God through us. What a kind God to use parents like us to raise up the next generation. Only by grace.