As I read Rob Flood’s post on talking with your children, I could easily place myself in each of his communication snares. What helpful insights to aid us on our parenting journey! In thinking through his words of counsel, I realized that I can easily fall into other traps—relational traps in my marriage that can subtly (or not so subtly) seep into my conversations and expectations. And recognizing these traps is likewise only part of the battle…we must ultimately act on the truth we know.
Trap #1: My husband exists to meet all my needs (or the newly wed version: Now that I am married my heart will be completely satisfied).
There’s good news and bad news here. The good news first: Our hearts can be completely satisfied, BUT this can never happen through our husbands. Psalm 107:9 says that the Lord is the one who satisfies the longing soul. When we look to our husbands for things only the Lord can supply, we place an unfair burden upon him. The more we seek our satisfaction in the Lord the more we will find it in marriage; and we will know genuine joy in serving our husbands and glorifying God together with him.
Trap #2: My husband should be able to read my mind.
We may not think this, but we can often live as if it is true. For ones who possess great ability to use words (and lots of them), we can often assume our husbands know what we are thinking or are aware of our feelings and fail to engage in some very basic communication. We can further allow self pity to feed our silence, or use our silence in subtle manipulation to exact our husband’s pity. Not fair! God is God; our husbands are not. They need our help to know us. We need to offer them our humble, honest thoughts, while trusting that the Lord will direct them in their leadership of our marriages and families.
Trap #3: Communication with my husband is all about me.
Rob addressed this tendency toward self-centered communication in his first two traps and they can equally apply to marriage. We can be much more ready to speak to our husbands than to listen. We give our opinions higher priority and assume we are right. Listening requires humility, but our goal is often to “be heard.” And when we speak it is often easier to address our husband’s problems than to motivate him by grace. Thankfully the Lord does not relate to us the way we can be tempted to relate to our husbands, and sets a wonderful pattern for our communication in Psalm 103:8, “The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.” The Spirit of God dwells in us and will help us as we put off our pride and seek to put on mercy and grace, patience and selfless love.
May the Lord richly transform our marriages!
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