Intentional Reflexes

When some people get tickled, they wiggle and wriggle away. Some just laugh uncontrollably while still others get downright violent. The reaction, though, goes a long way in determining what happens next. For instance, if someone gets violent after being tickled, the tickling often comes to a halt.

But what if the issue is not being tickled, but being insulted? What if the problem is not a moment of discomfort but a lifetime of tension in the home? Well, some people respond by insulting in turn. Some withdraw in silence while still others get downright violent.

So, how can we as spouses who sin respond to our spouses when they sin against us? We all need help, as one book’s title cleverly puts it, “How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong.”

How we react when wounded tells quite a bit about our own hearts. It reveals what we think of our own rights, our own comfort and our own sin. Most fundamentally, it reveals how we think about God.

The first thing every married person must admit is that offense will happen. It will happen to you and it will happen from you. You will receive offenses and you will cause them. The issue is not if, but when.

The second thing every married person must admit is that offenses are never helped by an additional offense. This was modeled for us by the Savior Himself: “When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly.” (1 Peter 2:23) And that leads to the third thing.

The third thing every married person must admit is that God is greater than the degree of their offense. Jesus entrusted Himself to “Him who judges justly.” He leaned upon the judgment of God rather than whatever retribution or explanation He could offer Himself.

With that in mind, our posture toward our spouse ought not be one of defensiveness or shock in the face of their sin. It ought to be one of understanding and forgiveness. Yes, we will be offended from time to time. We will be sinned against. Our spouses are sinners…and sinners sin. Our posture should reflect this understanding.

But, our posture should go one step further. In addition to understanding, our posture should be one of forgiveness. Not keeping a record of wrongs, but standing ready to release our spouse from the guilt of their sin and freeing them to enjoy grace instead.

Dave Harvey, in his book When Sinners Say I Do, offers an observation on why a posture of forgiveness can be so difficult. “Forgiveness is costly, and sometimes it costs more than we think we can give.” (p. 106) A posture of forgiveness when wounded will ask for more humility and strength than any of us has within ourselves.

How, then, can we develop an intentional reflex of forgiveness when sinned against? Entrust yourself to the one who judges justly and abide in Him. The strength that forgiveness requires can only come from the one who forgives most greatly. The humility that grace requires can only come from the one who modeled perfect humility. A marriage characterized by forgiveness is one that is also characterized by joy, peace and grace…to the glory of God.