Thermometer or Thermostat?

One of the wonderful gifts that God has given to married couples is the gift of sexual intimacy. And yet, one of the most contentious areas of a marriage relationship is the area of sexual intimacy. How can a couple wade through the confusion and conflict that often occurs surrounding this topic and arrive at the wonder and joy of how God has designed it?

One of the most common mistakes that couples make is in how they view the subject of sexual intimacy. Some feel that, if there is a distance between husband and wife, a vibrant sex life will fix what ails them. Some feel that, even if everything else is out of kilter, if their intimacy is good, the marriage will be okay.

Couples who view their sexual intimacy in this way make a common but critical mistake. They view their sexual intimacy as a thermostat. Thermostats are used to set the temperature in a room, home, or building. The environment and surroundings of a home are set by the settings on the thermostat.

However, God did not design marriage to stand on the foundation of sexual intimacy. No, marriage is designed to stand on the foundation of selflessness, communication and respect. It is designed to stand on the foundation and the fruit of the gospel. So, how does sexual intimacy fit into this?

Rather than using sexual intimacy as a thermostat to set the temperature of a marriage, sexual intimacy ought be used as thermometer. Thermometers don’t set or prescribe anything. Instead, they simply give a reading of how something is. They serve to let you know if something is wrong. However, you don’t fix anything by using a thermometer.

If a couple is struggling in their sexual lives, the problem is rarely in their sexual lives. It is likely somewhere else, such as their communication or their respect for each other. Perhaps their struggle finds its roots in drifting from a dependent faith upon Christ. In any case, fixing the sexual issues in their relationship will do nothing to address the deeper issues that are causing the problems in their intimacy.

So, if you find that the sexual intimacy in your marriage is either lacking or struggling, it is certainly worth addressing. But don’t make the “thermostat” mistake. Look deeper and look beyond the bedroom. Are you loving your spouse with the love of Christ? Are you communicating and building a relationship of love and respect? Are there areas of unrepentant sin in your life? Are you allowing the gospel to function in your marriage?

If you will fight the temptation to adjust the sexual thermostat, you will find, in time, by God’s grace, that the thermometer of your sexual intimacy should rise. Intimacy between a husband and a wife is a gift from a loving God. When properly understood and rightly prioritized, it can be a gift that a couple enjoys for their entire marriage.

Note: Even in marriages where there is some medical reason for limits on sexual activity, physical affection ought to flow from a foundation of the gospel functioning in a marriage. Though the specific activity may change…the same principles hold true. Physical affection is still far better considered a thermometer rather than a thermostat.