What’s in a Name?

William Shakespeare will never be accused of setting a very high moral bar. However, he could turn a phrase and capture volumes of content in just a few words. From the lips of Juliet, Shakespeare poignantly stated:

What's in a name? that which we call a rose By any other name would smell as sweet;

Well, researchers from the University of St. Thomas believe something a bit different than Shakespeare. They make the argument that names, actually nicknames, make a big difference.

… nicknames and other "idiosyncratic communication" (words, phrases and/or gestures that have meaning just between the members of a relationship) create intimacy and closeness. Developing connection rituals of any kind is essential for creating emotional bonds and a "culture of two" in marriage.

CAUTION:

CART-BEFORE-THE-HORSE ALERT!

If your marriage is having great difficulty, it is unlikely that changing what you call your spouse will fix the conflict. (Of course, that depends on what you’re currently calling your spouse.) Imagine a couple in conflict when, suddenly, one calls the other “Sweetie” or “Honey.” At that point, the conflict is likely to change, that is for sure. However, that change is unlikely to increase intimacy.

Expressions of love and affection, ones of emotional intimacy, are the fruit of nurturing a marriage. Far from intimacy being created by nicknames, terms of endearment flow from a marriage that is already high in intimacy.

So, the real question is, “How can we nurture our marriages such that terms of endearment will naturally flow?”

Many, many answers could be given, but let me just suggest one action item to get us all started: Pursue Your Spouse! Identify your spouse’s interests, loves, passions, and join him or her there.

Woo her with flowers. Surprise him with a backrub. Leave her a note that tells her you love her. Stock his favorite flavor of ice cream. Clean the bathroom for her without being asked. Tune into ESPN without him needing to request it. If your both feeling particularly dramatic, you could even take in a show…maybe Romeo and Juliet.

An atmosphere of service and others-mindedness in marriage will result in intimacy. It puts the horse before the cart…right were it belongs. Only the gospel, lived out humbly with servanthood, can pull the weight of such intimacy, sustained throughout a lifetime. And only love, sown with such selfishness, will create relational intimacy that allows you to call your spouse, “Schnookems.” What’s in a name? The fruit of a Christ-centered marriage.