It started out innocently enough. We decided to replace the putrid ceiling light in our dining room with a chandelier light. Not like one of those in the Academy of Music, just a good hanging light. The goal was while dining, you would actually know you were in a dining room instead of a dimly lit basement cubicle. A noble goal for hospitality I thought.
Although I enjoy decorating to a degree, I do not enjoy (despise, abhor, detest) choosing what to purchase from thousands of options. This exercise eventually makes my head feel like its exploding and imploding at the same time. (Ask my husband about paint swatches.) This is why I often defer to the decorating gurus among us.
So when picking a chandelier, I asked a friend’s opinion, and purchased one off the internet. It was fine—fairly standard actually, nothing unusual about it. But as soon as it was hung (and wires snipped ensuring no return) the demon of regret hit.
It’s the wrong size.
The familiar shudder of decorating horror went through me and I knew without a doubt that I had once again done something stupid. From then on, every time I walked by the room, the chandelier grew. By the end of the day I was leaning against a wall, observing what looked to me like a 10 foot black spider that had taken over my home.
In the end, God used the spider as a wonderful lesson for me. It was not growing, but the sinful cravings in my heart were; cravings for the approval of others, for the perfect home, for a hassle-free life. Where were my cravings for the purposes of God, for the furtherance of His Kingdom, for service to the saints?
God is gracious to forgive, and He did, refreshing my commitment to his plan. I want to throw my life and my home and my stuff up to him and say, “Take it, use it, do something eternal with it!” I’m thankful God uses even our silly decorating crises to put us back on the beautiful but narrow path. May my house always sit by that road.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Monday, September 29, 2008
Wall Street, Washington…and Biblical Wisdom
MONDAY
Wall Street, Washington…and Biblical Wisdom
Andy Farmer
This past few weeks has led a lot of us to do things we’d not typically be doing – listening to the stock market reports, checking the business section of the paper, maybe anxiously wondering if our local branch bank might not be here a few months from now.
In his blog from last Wednesday Al Mohler gives some great perspective for all of us as we watch events both on Wall Street and in Washington unfold in the days to come.
This current crisis should also remind Christians that we are not called to be mere economic actors, but stewards. Everything we are, everything we do, and everything we own truly belongs to God and is to be at the disposal of Kingdom purposes. This world is not our home and our treasure is not found here. We are to do all, invest all, own all, purchase all to the glory of God.
Finally, this current economic crisis just might help Christians to focus on another issue -- retirement. Where in the Bible are we told to aspire to years and decades of leisure without labor? There is nothing wrong with saving for what the world calls retirement. Indeed, that is just good stewardship. Furthermore, there is nothing wrong with workers enjoying the fruit of their labor. But Christians should think of retirement as an opportunity to be redeployed for Kingdom service.
Today's crisis in the financial system should not be a threat to the long-term health and vitality of our economic system. There is cause for concern, but no justification for panic. Rather than hit the panic button, spend that energy thinking about how Christians should glorify God in our economic lives. We should watch the developments and debates in Washington and New York with interest, but we should investigate our own hearts with even greater urgency.
If you want to read the full post, go to albertmohler.com
Wall Street, Washington…and Biblical Wisdom
Andy Farmer
This past few weeks has led a lot of us to do things we’d not typically be doing – listening to the stock market reports, checking the business section of the paper, maybe anxiously wondering if our local branch bank might not be here a few months from now.
In his blog from last Wednesday Al Mohler gives some great perspective for all of us as we watch events both on Wall Street and in Washington unfold in the days to come.
This current crisis should also remind Christians that we are not called to be mere economic actors, but stewards. Everything we are, everything we do, and everything we own truly belongs to God and is to be at the disposal of Kingdom purposes. This world is not our home and our treasure is not found here. We are to do all, invest all, own all, purchase all to the glory of God.
Finally, this current economic crisis just might help Christians to focus on another issue -- retirement. Where in the Bible are we told to aspire to years and decades of leisure without labor? There is nothing wrong with saving for what the world calls retirement. Indeed, that is just good stewardship. Furthermore, there is nothing wrong with workers enjoying the fruit of their labor. But Christians should think of retirement as an opportunity to be redeployed for Kingdom service.
Today's crisis in the financial system should not be a threat to the long-term health and vitality of our economic system. There is cause for concern, but no justification for panic. Rather than hit the panic button, spend that energy thinking about how Christians should glorify God in our economic lives. We should watch the developments and debates in Washington and New York with interest, but we should investigate our own hearts with even greater urgency.
If you want to read the full post, go to albertmohler.com
Friday, September 26, 2008
Family Worship with the Real Little Ones
Then children were brought to him that he might lay his hands on them and pray. The disciples rebuked the people, but Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven." And he laid his hands on them and went away. (Matthew 19:13-15)
My children have times when they are eager for Family Worship. And, when things are firing on all cylinders, they ask probing questions that drive to the deeper meaning of the text. But they also have times when they are not. So it goes with leading and teaching children.
Why do you suppose the disciples were trying to keep the children from Jesus? It was most likely not because they didn’t like kids. It was likely because it seemed like the wrong place for them. They would be distracting and Jesus had important work to do.
Jesus wanted the little children to come to him. They were not a hindrance to His work…they were His work. And, as He laid hands on them and prayed, He exhorted all of us to be just like them.
So, here we are…2000 years later. We echo the words of Christ… “Let the little children come.” But what are we supposed to do with them when they come? You want to train your older children but the younger ones distract. You want to reach your younger children, but the older one’s get bored. What to do?
Here are a few practical ideas:
- Start with the youngest and go up: After reading a passage, telling a story, or teaching a lesson, direct your first application question to your youngest. If they’re really young, make sure whatever question you ask has “Jesus” as the answer. (or, at least make it an easy one.) The accuracy of their answer is not the point. Their involvement is the point.
Then, go to your next youngest. What you accomplish by doing this is two-fold. First, you involve the younger children in a meaningful way. Second, you take all the low-hanging fruit away from your older ones. The easy questions and answers have already been given…they’re forced to drill a bit deeper. If the younger children feel involved, their behavior will reflect it.
- Involve the older children in teaching the younger ones: If your little guys ask questions, consider allowing your older children to answer. You can fill in gaps that are left in their answers. Later, you may even need to adjust the older ones for hints of pride or condescending. By mixing things up like this, you’re training the older children to disciple while training the younger ones in doctrine.
- Don’t count on one sitting to cover everyone: At some point, your children will be in such different places developmentally and spiritually that you’ll need to supplement your family worship. Focus your Family Worship time on building your entire family spiritually. Seek other opportunities with your older children to dive more deeply into the Word.
Whether you use these ideas or create ones of your own, the most important thing is the discipline of time. Don’t be discouraged if one or two meetings don’t go well…or even one or two months. Keep on keeping on and God will provide the increase.
My children have times when they are eager for Family Worship. And, when things are firing on all cylinders, they ask probing questions that drive to the deeper meaning of the text. But they also have times when they are not. So it goes with leading and teaching children.
Why do you suppose the disciples were trying to keep the children from Jesus? It was most likely not because they didn’t like kids. It was likely because it seemed like the wrong place for them. They would be distracting and Jesus had important work to do.
Jesus wanted the little children to come to him. They were not a hindrance to His work…they were His work. And, as He laid hands on them and prayed, He exhorted all of us to be just like them.
So, here we are…2000 years later. We echo the words of Christ… “Let the little children come.” But what are we supposed to do with them when they come? You want to train your older children but the younger ones distract. You want to reach your younger children, but the older one’s get bored. What to do?
Here are a few practical ideas:
- Start with the youngest and go up: After reading a passage, telling a story, or teaching a lesson, direct your first application question to your youngest. If they’re really young, make sure whatever question you ask has “Jesus” as the answer. (or, at least make it an easy one.) The accuracy of their answer is not the point. Their involvement is the point.
Then, go to your next youngest. What you accomplish by doing this is two-fold. First, you involve the younger children in a meaningful way. Second, you take all the low-hanging fruit away from your older ones. The easy questions and answers have already been given…they’re forced to drill a bit deeper. If the younger children feel involved, their behavior will reflect it.
- Involve the older children in teaching the younger ones: If your little guys ask questions, consider allowing your older children to answer. You can fill in gaps that are left in their answers. Later, you may even need to adjust the older ones for hints of pride or condescending. By mixing things up like this, you’re training the older children to disciple while training the younger ones in doctrine.
- Don’t count on one sitting to cover everyone: At some point, your children will be in such different places developmentally and spiritually that you’ll need to supplement your family worship. Focus your Family Worship time on building your entire family spiritually. Seek other opportunities with your older children to dive more deeply into the Word.
Whether you use these ideas or create ones of your own, the most important thing is the discipline of time. Don’t be discouraged if one or two meetings don’t go well…or even one or two months. Keep on keeping on and God will provide the increase.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
“Behold, how good and how pleasant it is…”
My wife and I just spent a week’s vacation with our three boys in the beautiful state of Maine. One of the highlights for me was the opportunity I had to catch up with my best friend Doug and his wife and children. Doug and I grew up across the street from one another and though I wouldn’t say we were always tight friends, each of us can recall, if nothing else, celebrating a birthday party or two together at Chucky Cheese. Our casual and somewhat sporadic friendship took a turn when Doug became a Christian in the summer of ‘97. He was traveling with the sub-culture group of hippies following the Grateful Dead and other spin-off bands when God arrested his heart, convicted him of his sin and showed him his need for the Savior. After deciding to follow Christ, Doug showed up on my doorstep with a King James Bible in hand looking to have some spiritual conversation. I was home from college for the summer and had turned into a bit of a hippie myself. I was game for some deep mystical interaction, so I opened my garage door, and sat to listen to Doug talk about the changes that were happening in his life. As Doug explained the gospel to me that night in the best terms he knew how, the Holy Spirit began penetrating my heart and mind. It was not long after that that I, too, repented of my sin and placed my full trust and faith in the atoning sacrifice of Jesus Christ.
It’s been about 11 years now since God caused both Doug and I to be born again. He also birthed us into a friendship that proves to be, again and again, one of the richest blessings I know in this life. Our time together in Maine was a refreshment to my soul. It has spurred me on follow and fellowship with Jesus and to dig into His Word that I might know Him truly. Through this brother God brought me correction, encouragement and a renewed sense of His guiding hand upon my life. After being together for those few days I thought about just how much of a gift fellowship really is. King David’s song rang in my ears,
“Behold, how good and how pleasant it is
For brothers to dwell together in unity!” Ps. 133:1
Apparently David and other worshipping Jews understood the rich blessing of being united as a people under their God. As New Testament believers we now have greater reason to rejoice under the loving reign of the One who has shed His own blood for our souls and who unifies us in the Body of Christ. No matter if it’s with a life-long friend or with a brother we just met last week, God has given us the gift of fellowship as a means of deepening our understanding of Him and to gain courage for our pilgrimage heavenward. As we walk though this world and live transparently before one another may we realize just how good and how pleasant Christian fellowship really is.
It’s been about 11 years now since God caused both Doug and I to be born again. He also birthed us into a friendship that proves to be, again and again, one of the richest blessings I know in this life. Our time together in Maine was a refreshment to my soul. It has spurred me on follow and fellowship with Jesus and to dig into His Word that I might know Him truly. Through this brother God brought me correction, encouragement and a renewed sense of His guiding hand upon my life. After being together for those few days I thought about just how much of a gift fellowship really is. King David’s song rang in my ears,
“Behold, how good and how pleasant it is
For brothers to dwell together in unity!” Ps. 133:1
Apparently David and other worshipping Jews understood the rich blessing of being united as a people under their God. As New Testament believers we now have greater reason to rejoice under the loving reign of the One who has shed His own blood for our souls and who unifies us in the Body of Christ. No matter if it’s with a life-long friend or with a brother we just met last week, God has given us the gift of fellowship as a means of deepening our understanding of Him and to gain courage for our pilgrimage heavenward. As we walk though this world and live transparently before one another may we realize just how good and how pleasant Christian fellowship really is.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Married or VERY Married?
“If I get married, I want to be very married.” Audrey Hepburn
Every married couple is made up of married people. That’s how marriage works. Two people get married and become a married couple. But are both people “equally” married? In one sense, of course they are. One marriage makes two people equally married.
Yet, in another sense, in a more functional sense, many marriages consist of one spouse being more married than the other. One spouse does more of the work. One spouse does more of the overlooking. One does more of the forgiving, of the communicating, of the sacrificing. The blessings that come to a couple often come through the labor of one spouse over the other.
Now, I’m not trying to break out a marital score card. I’m not posting a 10 question survey to figure out who’s working and who’s freeloading. Here’s what I’m getting at.
We all can be guilty of allowing the health of our marriage to live on the fumes of our spouse’s labor…coasting through a day or a week. I don’t have to look back very far before I find a day or a week where Gina out labored me in our marriage. She initiated topics on conversation that I ought to have initiated. She asked to pray with me about something rather than me drawing her out. The ebb and flow of labor in a marriage relationship is common and necessary.
However, the real question is this: Does this type of behavior form a pattern in your marriage? Do you find that you coast on the fumes of your spouse’s efforts? You are married, that is for sure…but are you VERY married?
VERY married people pour themselves into the success of their marriage. VERY married people strive to serve Christ through their marriage…in their marriage. VERY married people don’t act and wait for their spouse to act back…they act because it is the right thing to do.
One of the most famous passages on marriage in the New Testament is Ephesians 5:22-33. Without a doubt, it is a pivotal passage for the success of any Christian marriage. However, one passage that is rarely cited for marriage is Romans 12:9-21.
There is a good reason for this…it is not about marriage. It is, however, about what will characterize the life of a disciple of Christ. If a couple rightly understands Ephesians 5:22-33, they may be led to ask, “What does this passage look like when it is lived out?” In many ways, it looks like Romans 12:9-21.
One key difference between those who are married and those who are VERY married is not just effort, but purpose in the effort. Being a wife or a husband is one thing. Being a disciple who is a wife or a husband is quite another. Purposeful discipleship will help you make the important transition from married to VERY married. And one of the greatest joys that can visit a marriage is having two spouses who are VERY married.
Every married couple is made up of married people. That’s how marriage works. Two people get married and become a married couple. But are both people “equally” married? In one sense, of course they are. One marriage makes two people equally married.
Yet, in another sense, in a more functional sense, many marriages consist of one spouse being more married than the other. One spouse does more of the work. One spouse does more of the overlooking. One does more of the forgiving, of the communicating, of the sacrificing. The blessings that come to a couple often come through the labor of one spouse over the other.
Now, I’m not trying to break out a marital score card. I’m not posting a 10 question survey to figure out who’s working and who’s freeloading. Here’s what I’m getting at.
We all can be guilty of allowing the health of our marriage to live on the fumes of our spouse’s labor…coasting through a day or a week. I don’t have to look back very far before I find a day or a week where Gina out labored me in our marriage. She initiated topics on conversation that I ought to have initiated. She asked to pray with me about something rather than me drawing her out. The ebb and flow of labor in a marriage relationship is common and necessary.
However, the real question is this: Does this type of behavior form a pattern in your marriage? Do you find that you coast on the fumes of your spouse’s efforts? You are married, that is for sure…but are you VERY married?
VERY married people pour themselves into the success of their marriage. VERY married people strive to serve Christ through their marriage…in their marriage. VERY married people don’t act and wait for their spouse to act back…they act because it is the right thing to do.
One of the most famous passages on marriage in the New Testament is Ephesians 5:22-33. Without a doubt, it is a pivotal passage for the success of any Christian marriage. However, one passage that is rarely cited for marriage is Romans 12:9-21.
There is a good reason for this…it is not about marriage. It is, however, about what will characterize the life of a disciple of Christ. If a couple rightly understands Ephesians 5:22-33, they may be led to ask, “What does this passage look like when it is lived out?” In many ways, it looks like Romans 12:9-21.
One key difference between those who are married and those who are VERY married is not just effort, but purpose in the effort. Being a wife or a husband is one thing. Being a disciple who is a wife or a husband is quite another. Purposeful discipleship will help you make the important transition from married to VERY married. And one of the greatest joys that can visit a marriage is having two spouses who are VERY married.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
A Sacrifice of Joy
I don’t know about you, but from the moment I exit my bedroom in the morning until the time I lay down at night my life screams at me. There are the practical matters of caring for my home and family, serving my husband in all that the Lord has called him to do, and tending to the many relationships in our family (the complexity of which multiplies exponentially with each added child!). There are places to go and appointments to keep; add to that serving in the church and keeping biblical fellowship alive in my various friendships! It can seem like someone is always in need and the demands on my time are constant. And if I am not careful, I could easily lose sight of why I do what I do.
John Piper has said, “If you live gladly to make others glad in God, your life will be hard, your risks will be high, and your joy will be full.”
When you think about it, that is really what our lives are all about as wives and mothers. We are daily seeking in all we say and do to highlight the wonders and magnificence of our Savior who brought forth the wonders of all creation, and who, for the joy set before him, endured the cross on our behalf that we might know everlasting life in Him. We want our children to know and enjoy the only One who can truly satisfy their every need and desire, who is strength in their weakness and more magnificent than they could ever search out in a lifetime. What a wonderful privilege and opportunity! The Lord didn’t promise us that it would be easy, but as we labor to reveal him to our children he does promise great reward!
Knowing why we labor as we do turns our children’s sin into an opportunity to demonstrate the wonder of God’s forgiveness and grace. It makes helping them with school work an opportunity to highlight His creative majesty, order, and power. It transforms working with our little ones to end an argument into a chance to more deeply understand the patient and steadfast love of our Savior. How can we not experience joy in the Lord as we anticipate the fruit of those labors. “And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.” Galatians 6:9
John Piper has said, “If you live gladly to make others glad in God, your life will be hard, your risks will be high, and your joy will be full.”
When you think about it, that is really what our lives are all about as wives and mothers. We are daily seeking in all we say and do to highlight the wonders and magnificence of our Savior who brought forth the wonders of all creation, and who, for the joy set before him, endured the cross on our behalf that we might know everlasting life in Him. We want our children to know and enjoy the only One who can truly satisfy their every need and desire, who is strength in their weakness and more magnificent than they could ever search out in a lifetime. What a wonderful privilege and opportunity! The Lord didn’t promise us that it would be easy, but as we labor to reveal him to our children he does promise great reward!
Knowing why we labor as we do turns our children’s sin into an opportunity to demonstrate the wonder of God’s forgiveness and grace. It makes helping them with school work an opportunity to highlight His creative majesty, order, and power. It transforms working with our little ones to end an argument into a chance to more deeply understand the patient and steadfast love of our Savior. How can we not experience joy in the Lord as we anticipate the fruit of those labors. “And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.” Galatians 6:9
Monday, September 22, 2008
Wouldn’t Be Prudent
Back in the administration of George Bush ‘41’, comedian Dana Carvey developed a killer imitation of the president, which was often punctuated by odd hand gestures and the response to almost any question with, ‘wouldn’t be prudent’. The idea was that inaction on important issues is acceptable just by saying, ‘it wouldn’t be prudent’.
Prudence is actually a biblical value that, rightly exercised, is an outworking of a life of wisdom, as you see here,
Proverbs 8:12 "I, wisdom, dwell with prudence, And I find knowledge and discretion.
Prudence is how wisdom turns into action when action is required. It is the opposite of impulsiveness and reaction. A prudent person exercises biblically appropriate responses to whatever situations that come his way.
However, sometimes we can justify inaction when action is called for by pulling the ‘wouldn’t be prudent’ excuse out – particularly when a truly prudent course of action might be uncomfortable, or affect others’ view of us. Nineteenth Century pastor Charles Bridges gives an insightful warning against justifying disobedience or inaction by appealing to prudence.
“Christian Prudence indeed is most valuable in it’s own place, connection, and measure; and the want of it brings great inconvenience. But except it be the exercise of faith, combined with boldness, and encircled with a warm atmosphere of Christian love, it will degenerate, and become the time serving spirit of the world. The “fear of man” often assumes the name of prudence, while a worldly spirit of unbelief is the dominant, though disguised principle.” (Charles Bridges, The Christian Ministry, p. 125)
True wisdom is bold to act when action is the best course. Wise people must at times be courageous people – people of faith. To be anything less ‘wouldn’t be prudent’.
Prudence is actually a biblical value that, rightly exercised, is an outworking of a life of wisdom, as you see here,
Proverbs 8:12 "I, wisdom, dwell with prudence, And I find knowledge and discretion.
Prudence is how wisdom turns into action when action is required. It is the opposite of impulsiveness and reaction. A prudent person exercises biblically appropriate responses to whatever situations that come his way.
However, sometimes we can justify inaction when action is called for by pulling the ‘wouldn’t be prudent’ excuse out – particularly when a truly prudent course of action might be uncomfortable, or affect others’ view of us. Nineteenth Century pastor Charles Bridges gives an insightful warning against justifying disobedience or inaction by appealing to prudence.
“Christian Prudence indeed is most valuable in it’s own place, connection, and measure; and the want of it brings great inconvenience. But except it be the exercise of faith, combined with boldness, and encircled with a warm atmosphere of Christian love, it will degenerate, and become the time serving spirit of the world. The “fear of man” often assumes the name of prudence, while a worldly spirit of unbelief is the dominant, though disguised principle.” (Charles Bridges, The Christian Ministry, p. 125)
True wisdom is bold to act when action is the best course. Wise people must at times be courageous people – people of faith. To be anything less ‘wouldn’t be prudent’.
Friday, September 19, 2008
Discipleship - Recommended Resource List
What a wonderful time together we had Saturday night during the Family Life Meeting, No Regrets? The parents of Covenant Fellowship Church are our heroes. You are in the trenches each day, year in and year out, active in the plan of God as you call forth the next generation.
We mentioned at the meeting that we would post a recommended list of resources to help you as you labor for the Lord and for your children. This list is a compilation of resources that the pastors of the church have found to be solid and/or useful.
We hope you find them helpful.
You can download the resource list here.
We mentioned at the meeting that we would post a recommended list of resources to help you as you labor for the Lord and for your children. This list is a compilation of resources that the pastors of the church have found to be solid and/or useful.
We hope you find them helpful.
You can download the resource list here.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Progressive Sanctification?
I took a one day personal retreat yesterday, which is something new to me. I try to take two or three overnight retreats away each year to get some good time to settle my heart and mind before the Lord, to plan, and to reflect on life. I had one scheduled for this week but realized that I couldn’t get away for the night, so I took a shot at one day away from everything. We have a family membership at Longwood Gardens so I gave that a shot.
It was a surprisingly fruitful time. I was able to ponder and plan into the future a bit, take all these random thoughts that clutter up my brain and pray over them in an unhurried way. But I also took some time to look over notes from past times of confession, to remind myself of where God has done work and where there is still work to do. The following are some notes from a time of sober reflection after I was brought some correction by friends about my leadership in the home over nine years ago.
Reading this reminds me afresh of my weaknesses – many of them weaknesses from as far back as I can remember. But the exercise also reminded me that God has been doing a work in me, and that I really have changed in some significant ways. Here’s what I was dealing with then - with some brief thoughts (in italics) on where I sense I am right now.
July 1999
I see patterns of behavior and reaction that seem to kick in during busy or stressful times that feed me into sloth, passive leadership, and spiritual dullness.
These patterns would include:
- Anxious distraction – often expressed in being unable to not think about work issues at home or stealing time at home to do work (I have seen much growth in this, but have been experiencing some recent temptations – this is a much needed reminder of the battle)
- Compulsive working or busyness – activity without thought. For example, too much emphasis on dealing with e-mails over things I have scheduled to do. (This one is very much still a challenge for me)
- I reinterpret assignments I am given by the pastoral team or my superiors in light of my own sense of pressure in an arrogant and unsubmitted way. (What this means is that I would be given an assignment and then do it in the way and time I thought was best, regardless of how it was communicated to me. In my recent work evaluations I have been commended for change in this – praise God!)
- Stealing time for self indulgent leisure. Like finding a way to disengage from Jill or the kids to just vegetate with the paper – even if I’ll have time to read the paper later. (This may be where I’ve seen most growth – I’ll never be a Type A kind of guy, but I value productivity much more than I did back then. For me, that’s huge!
Bottom line? I am not the same man I was by the grace of God, but I’m capable of all the same things if I allow myself to drift. I’m grateful that I have these lists to look back on – to remind me of who I am in my flesh, and to remind me that I am truly progressing in the new life I have been given in Christ.
Do you have lists to look at from your journey in progressive sanctification? If not, consider starting right now. It will serve you in the future.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Thermometer or Thermostat?
One of the wonderful gifts that God has given to married couples is the gift of sexual intimacy. And yet, one of the most contentious areas of a marriage relationship is the area of sexual intimacy. How can a couple wade through the confusion and conflict that often occurs surrounding this topic and arrive at the wonder and joy of how God has designed it?
One of the most common mistakes that couples make is in how they view the subject of sexual intimacy. Some feel that, if there is a distance between husband and wife, a vibrant sex life will fix what ails them. Some feel that, even if everything else is out of kilter, if their intimacy is good, the marriage will be okay.
Couples who view their sexual intimacy in this way make a common but critical mistake. They view their sexual intimacy as a thermostat. Thermostats are used to set the temperature in a room, home, or building. The environment and surroundings of a home are set by the settings on the thermostat.
However, God did not design marriage to stand on the foundation of sexual intimacy. No, marriage is designed to stand on the foundation of selflessness, communication and respect. It is designed to stand on the foundation and the fruit of the gospel. So, how does sexual intimacy fit into this?
Rather than using sexual intimacy as a thermostat to set the temperature of a marriage, sexual intimacy ought be used as thermometer. Thermometers don’t set or prescribe anything. Instead, they simply give a reading of how something is. They serve to let you know if something is wrong. However, you don’t fix anything by using a thermometer.
If a couple is struggling in their sexual lives, the problem is rarely in their sexual lives. It is likely somewhere else, such as their communication or their respect for each other. Perhaps their struggle finds its roots in drifting from a dependent faith upon Christ. In any case, fixing the sexual issues in their relationship will do nothing to address the deeper issues that are causing the problems in their intimacy.
So, if you find that the sexual intimacy in your marriage is either lacking or struggling, it is certainly worth addressing. But don’t make the “thermostat” mistake. Look deeper and look beyond the bedroom. Are you loving your spouse with the love of Christ? Are you communicating and building a relationship of love and respect? Are there areas of unrepentant sin in your life? Are you allowing the gospel to function in your marriage?
If you will fight the temptation to adjust the sexual thermostat, you will find, in time, by God’s grace, that the thermometer of your sexual intimacy should rise. Intimacy between a husband and a wife is a gift from a loving God. When properly understood and rightly prioritized, it can be a gift that a couple enjoys for their entire marriage.
Note: Even in marriages where there is some medical reason for limits on sexual activity, physical affection ought to flow from a foundation of the gospel functioning in a marriage. Though the specific activity may change…the same principles hold true. Physical affection is still far better considered a thermometer rather than a thermostat.
One of the most common mistakes that couples make is in how they view the subject of sexual intimacy. Some feel that, if there is a distance between husband and wife, a vibrant sex life will fix what ails them. Some feel that, even if everything else is out of kilter, if their intimacy is good, the marriage will be okay.
Couples who view their sexual intimacy in this way make a common but critical mistake. They view their sexual intimacy as a thermostat. Thermostats are used to set the temperature in a room, home, or building. The environment and surroundings of a home are set by the settings on the thermostat.
However, God did not design marriage to stand on the foundation of sexual intimacy. No, marriage is designed to stand on the foundation of selflessness, communication and respect. It is designed to stand on the foundation and the fruit of the gospel. So, how does sexual intimacy fit into this?
Rather than using sexual intimacy as a thermostat to set the temperature of a marriage, sexual intimacy ought be used as thermometer. Thermometers don’t set or prescribe anything. Instead, they simply give a reading of how something is. They serve to let you know if something is wrong. However, you don’t fix anything by using a thermometer.
If a couple is struggling in their sexual lives, the problem is rarely in their sexual lives. It is likely somewhere else, such as their communication or their respect for each other. Perhaps their struggle finds its roots in drifting from a dependent faith upon Christ. In any case, fixing the sexual issues in their relationship will do nothing to address the deeper issues that are causing the problems in their intimacy.
So, if you find that the sexual intimacy in your marriage is either lacking or struggling, it is certainly worth addressing. But don’t make the “thermostat” mistake. Look deeper and look beyond the bedroom. Are you loving your spouse with the love of Christ? Are you communicating and building a relationship of love and respect? Are there areas of unrepentant sin in your life? Are you allowing the gospel to function in your marriage?
If you will fight the temptation to adjust the sexual thermostat, you will find, in time, by God’s grace, that the thermometer of your sexual intimacy should rise. Intimacy between a husband and a wife is a gift from a loving God. When properly understood and rightly prioritized, it can be a gift that a couple enjoys for their entire marriage.
Note: Even in marriages where there is some medical reason for limits on sexual activity, physical affection ought to flow from a foundation of the gospel functioning in a marriage. Though the specific activity may change…the same principles hold true. Physical affection is still far better considered a thermometer rather than a thermostat.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
My Kids Will Never Do That!
It had been a grueling morning at the doctor’s office. I took the 3 kids in for Lily’s 6 month well-baby check up…just an ordinary, run-of-the-mill appointment, complete with a very long wait (especially for 2 active little boys). I was doing all I could to keep my boys under control, including feeding them large amounts of animal crackers even though lunch was half an hour away. Despite my efforts though, by the time we were checking out they were totally checked out …completely running wild in the waiting room as I paid our co-pay and set-up the next appointment. They were running laps in the small waiting area and yelling and laughing VERY LOUDLY…and the worst part was they were completely disregarding me and any commands I gave them. In that moment, I had no control over my children and I was totally embarrassed. I finally managed to catch Ryle mid-stride and keep hold of his arm long enough to direct him to the door and then I scooped Ben up and had to carry him out screaming and crying while also carrying Lily in her car seat. All in all it was not a pretty scene and I’m sure the polite women at the front desk who were giving me sympathy smiles were glad to see us leave!
Looking back I can laugh about it now, but on the car ride home I was experiencing anger, embarrassment, discouragement, and exhaustion. When I got in I had the boys spend some time up in their room so that I could call a friend and get some help…I knew I was far too angry to be able to discipline them appropriately and lovingly. After I repented of my own sin I was able to correct the boys and talk to them about their disobedience. However, I was still locating the problem in them and wanting them to see how serious it was that they didn’t obey mommy. In short I was still viewing them as bigger sinners than myself.
It wasn’t until further conversation with Jared that I was able to see that the main issue God wanted to call my attention to wasn’t the seriousness of Ryle and Ben’s disobedience, but rather what was revealed about my own heart. In those moments at the doctor’s office there was a lot going on in my heart…anger toward my children, pride that was craving the approval of a room full of strangers, and an inordinate desire for well-behaved children.
Ryle and Ben may have been more visibly rebellious, yet when I look at my own heart I’m aware that my own sin and rebellion is no less flagrant…just a little more hidden to the onlookers in the waiting room. And seeing my own sin causes me to flee to the cross where I can find forgiveness and be cleansed from all unrighteousness. And then I’m positioned to come alongside my boys as a fellow sinner and remind them of the good news of the gospel…that Christ died to save sinners like them and sinners like me.
Monday, September 15, 2008
No Regrets?
What if we fail?
Mark made it clear with truth from God’s word and examples from his own life that failure is part of the parenting process. And we will all look back and say we wish we had known and done then what we know and would do differently now. But the difference in parenting is not between those who fail and those who don’t. It is between those who depend on their own efforts and wisdom, and those who depend on the grace and mercy of God. Mark shared a faith-building insight from Ted Tripp which should give all of us courage to parent and confidence in the One who is our own unfailing Father.
“Ultimately, you must recognize that in all your efforts at child-rearing, you are at the mercy of God. Your children will never come to faith in Christ because you got everything right in the child-rearing department. If they come to know and love God, you will stand in awe of a God who has mercy on children even though their parents fail.”
(From Hints For Parents, 48)
Mark’s message will be accessible here in a few days.
Psalm 100:5 For the LORD is good; his steadfast love endures forever, and his faithfulness to all generations.
Friday, September 12, 2008
A Mission for the Family, Too
The past three Sundays have been a rich time for our church. Through Jared, Jim, and Andy, we’ve received a feast of teaching and direction. Not only do we have a mission statement that captures who we are and what we do. We also have a diagram and verbiage to help us remember. We are about the business of the gospel, as always. However, in light of the new mission statement, we are poised afresh to serve Christ where He has planted us.This is an opportunity for our church…but it’s also an opportunity for our families. Even young children can understand that there are reasons for the things we do. And why to they exist? …to treasure, proclaim and grow in Christ.
We have an opportunity to teach our children much about our church through the lessons and mission statement we’ve received. Consider taking a couple of days, or even a couple of family nights, going over our new mission statement. Perhaps even make the language of Treasure, Proclaim and Grow part of your discipleship language.
And while you’re going over our new mission statement, there’s another opportunity at our disposal. Consider taking the time to review with your children the excitement of our upcoming transition. What a wonderful opportunity to share the work of Christ in our church with our children.
Our church is in the midst of some very exciting times. Be sure to remember to include your children in the process. And, as a family, praise God for His goodness to us. He has not treated us according to what our sins deserve. He has treated us according to His grace and lovingkindness. These are the lessons that we yearn to teach our children. Here’s our chance.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
No Time to Read? No Time to Grow
Over the past few months I have had the opportunity to hear members of our Community Group saying over and over again "Why should I read this book, I won't remember it anyway.” Each time I heard it I tried to encourage the person saying it. Why, because this statement reminds me of who I was when I first came into CFC. Five years ago I could honestly say I had only ever read a few books, one of which was a true story about a pool hustler and a reporter traveling across the country to make a living. The others were instruction books on playing pool (Real easy reading with lots of pictures. That's my kind of book!). After a few months I was invited to join a Grow Group. We were assigned one book a month for 10 months. I jumped at the opportunity only to find myself sulking in self pity because, well, I wasn't smart enough for this group, I couldn't understand what the authors were saying, and I couldn't remember it even if I could understand it.
However I had given my word and commitment to this group so I didn't feel dropping out was an option. My wife Tish did a wonderful job encouraging me to stick with it as well. This one book by D.A. Carson, The Difficult Doctrine of the Love of God got me so hot under the collar it wasn't funny. To me
Before this book study group, as far back as I can remember, I was the biggest fool around. I hated learning at all costs and I didn't even know what wisdom was. After
If you would like to experience Grow, just let your community group leaders know and they will help you make it happen.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Intentional Reflexes
When some people get tickled, they wiggle and wriggle away. Some just laugh uncontrollably while still others get downright violent. The reaction, though, goes a long way in determining what happens next. For instance, if someone gets violent after being tickled, the tickling often comes to a halt.
But what if the issue is not being tickled, but being insulted? What if the problem is not a moment of discomfort but a lifetime of tension in the home? Well, some people respond by insulting in turn. Some withdraw in silence while still others get downright violent.
So, how can we as spouses who sin respond to our spouses when they sin against us? We all need help, as one book’s title cleverly puts it, “How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong.”
How we react when wounded tells quite a bit about our own hearts. It reveals what we think of our own rights, our own comfort and our own sin. Most fundamentally, it reveals how we think about God.
The first thing every married person must admit is that offense will happen. It will happen to you and it will happen from you. You will receive offenses and you will cause them. The issue is not if, but when.
The second thing every married person must admit is that offenses are never helped by an additional offense. This was modeled for us by the Savior Himself: “When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly.” (1 Peter 2:23) And that leads to the third thing.
The third thing every married person must admit is that God is greater than the degree of their offense. Jesus entrusted Himself to “Him who judges justly.” He leaned upon the judgment of God rather than whatever retribution or explanation He could offer Himself.
With that in mind, our posture toward our spouse ought not be one of defensiveness or shock in the face of their sin. It ought to be one of understanding and forgiveness. Yes, we will be offended from time to time. We will be sinned against. Our spouses are sinners…and sinners sin. Our posture should reflect this understanding.
But, our posture should go one step further. In addition to understanding, our posture should be one of forgiveness. Not keeping a record of wrongs, but standing ready to release our spouse from the guilt of their sin and freeing them to enjoy grace instead.
Dave Harvey, in his book When Sinners Say I Do, offers an observation on why a posture of forgiveness can be so difficult. “Forgiveness is costly, and sometimes it costs more than we think we can give.” (p. 106) A posture of forgiveness when wounded will ask for more humility and strength than any of us has within ourselves.
How, then, can we develop an intentional reflex of forgiveness when sinned against? Entrust yourself to the one who judges justly and abide in Him. The strength that forgiveness requires can only come from the one who forgives most greatly. The humility that grace requires can only come from the one who modeled perfect humility. A marriage characterized by forgiveness is one that is also characterized by joy, peace and grace…to the glory of God.
But what if the issue is not being tickled, but being insulted? What if the problem is not a moment of discomfort but a lifetime of tension in the home? Well, some people respond by insulting in turn. Some withdraw in silence while still others get downright violent.
So, how can we as spouses who sin respond to our spouses when they sin against us? We all need help, as one book’s title cleverly puts it, “How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong.”
How we react when wounded tells quite a bit about our own hearts. It reveals what we think of our own rights, our own comfort and our own sin. Most fundamentally, it reveals how we think about God.
The first thing every married person must admit is that offense will happen. It will happen to you and it will happen from you. You will receive offenses and you will cause them. The issue is not if, but when.
The second thing every married person must admit is that offenses are never helped by an additional offense. This was modeled for us by the Savior Himself: “When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly.” (1 Peter 2:23) And that leads to the third thing.
The third thing every married person must admit is that God is greater than the degree of their offense. Jesus entrusted Himself to “Him who judges justly.” He leaned upon the judgment of God rather than whatever retribution or explanation He could offer Himself.
With that in mind, our posture toward our spouse ought not be one of defensiveness or shock in the face of their sin. It ought to be one of understanding and forgiveness. Yes, we will be offended from time to time. We will be sinned against. Our spouses are sinners…and sinners sin. Our posture should reflect this understanding.
But, our posture should go one step further. In addition to understanding, our posture should be one of forgiveness. Not keeping a record of wrongs, but standing ready to release our spouse from the guilt of their sin and freeing them to enjoy grace instead.
Dave Harvey, in his book When Sinners Say I Do, offers an observation on why a posture of forgiveness can be so difficult. “Forgiveness is costly, and sometimes it costs more than we think we can give.” (p. 106) A posture of forgiveness when wounded will ask for more humility and strength than any of us has within ourselves.
How, then, can we develop an intentional reflex of forgiveness when sinned against? Entrust yourself to the one who judges justly and abide in Him. The strength that forgiveness requires can only come from the one who forgives most greatly. The humility that grace requires can only come from the one who modeled perfect humility. A marriage characterized by forgiveness is one that is also characterized by joy, peace and grace…to the glory of God.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Sovereign Prayer
If God is sovereign, why should I pray? It doesn't seem like God is ever going to answer my prayers; I feel like giving up. If God knows what is best for me, why not just pray let your will be done and let it at that?" My spiritual life in 2007 was marked by a mental battle of trying to mesh God's sovereignty with my responsibility to pray. By the grace of God, however, and through the Word the Lord is increasing my faith in Him and is teaching me how to bring these two truths together.
When my mind tries to tell me that there is no use praying, that God won't answer that prayer, or that I've prayed for that person or situation forever and don't see any change at all… I have to make a conscious choice not to let my mind dwell there. With faith, I need to speak truth to myself using the Word of God. For example when I say to myself, why bother to pray for this person – he's not changing - it should be replaced by truth: God hears every prayer (Prov. 15:29) and His timing is perfect (2 Sam. 22:31). Along with numerous promises, the Bible is filled with examples such as Daniel, Hezekiah, Paul, and Jesus who prayed specifically, dependently, and frequently. Like them, we are called to pray confidently and boldly, yet all the while resting in the sovereignty of God. I'm encouraged by God's words to Daniel, "Since the first day that you set your mind to gain understanding and to humble yourself before your God, your words were heard, and I have come in response to them." (Dan. 10:12)
In the past year, I've gone from wondering if God hears my prayers to believing that God hears my every prayer. In some way it's similar to future rewards in heaven. I used to wonder, will it really matter if I don't get this one reward? Now, I have a sense that every reward will matter… that there will be regret for not striving for rewards – even if it were just one. Each reward will be significant. I think prayer will be the same way. Every single prayer has significance. I have to choose to believe this by faith. I can't analyze every prayer and wonder if or how God's going to answer it. I just need to obey, pray continually, and trust in the promises and examples in God's Word.
If you’re not convinced to pray by my appeal, let Charles Spurgeon’s words from his sermon, Pray Without Ceasing, take hold of your heart.
"Never give up praying, even when Satan suggests that prayer is in vain. Pray in his teeth. 'Pray without ceasing' (1 Thess. 5:17). If the heavens are brass and your prayer only echoes above your head, pray on! If month after month your prayer appears to have miscarried, if you have had no answer, continue to draw close to the Lord. Do not abandon the mercy seat for any reason. If it is a good thing that you have been asking for, and if you are sure that it is according to the divine will, wait, tarry, pray, weep, plead, wrestle, and agonize until you get what you are praying for."
When my mind tries to tell me that there is no use praying, that God won't answer that prayer, or that I've prayed for that person or situation forever and don't see any change at all… I have to make a conscious choice not to let my mind dwell there. With faith, I need to speak truth to myself using the Word of God. For example when I say to myself, why bother to pray for this person – he's not changing - it should be replaced by truth: God hears every prayer (Prov. 15:29) and His timing is perfect (2 Sam. 22:31). Along with numerous promises, the Bible is filled with examples such as Daniel, Hezekiah, Paul, and Jesus who prayed specifically, dependently, and frequently. Like them, we are called to pray confidently and boldly, yet all the while resting in the sovereignty of God. I'm encouraged by God's words to Daniel, "Since the first day that you set your mind to gain understanding and to humble yourself before your God, your words were heard, and I have come in response to them." (Dan. 10:12)
In the past year, I've gone from wondering if God hears my prayers to believing that God hears my every prayer. In some way it's similar to future rewards in heaven. I used to wonder, will it really matter if I don't get this one reward? Now, I have a sense that every reward will matter… that there will be regret for not striving for rewards – even if it were just one. Each reward will be significant. I think prayer will be the same way. Every single prayer has significance. I have to choose to believe this by faith. I can't analyze every prayer and wonder if or how God's going to answer it. I just need to obey, pray continually, and trust in the promises and examples in God's Word.
If you’re not convinced to pray by my appeal, let Charles Spurgeon’s words from his sermon, Pray Without Ceasing, take hold of your heart.
"Never give up praying, even when Satan suggests that prayer is in vain. Pray in his teeth. 'Pray without ceasing' (1 Thess. 5:17). If the heavens are brass and your prayer only echoes above your head, pray on! If month after month your prayer appears to have miscarried, if you have had no answer, continue to draw close to the Lord. Do not abandon the mercy seat for any reason. If it is a good thing that you have been asking for, and if you are sure that it is according to the divine will, wait, tarry, pray, weep, plead, wrestle, and agonize until you get what you are praying for."
Monday, September 8, 2008
Our Mission – To Treasure, Proclaim, and Grow in the Gospel of Christ.
Over the past three weeks we have been unpacking our new (simpler!) mission statement for Covenant Fellowship Church. Here are some key ideas and quotes from each of the messages.
From “Treasure” (Jared Mellinger) August 24
Text: Psalm 16
God has created us to treasure Him, and the Christian life is one of deepening our delight in this treasure. This is our mission as a church.
George Muller: “In what way shall we attain to this settled happiness of soul? How shall we learn to enjoy God? How shall we obtain such an all-sufficient soul-satisfying portion in him as shall enable us to let go of the things of this world as vain and worthless in comparison? I answer, This happiness is to be obtained through the study of the Holy Scriptures. God has therein revealed Himself unto us in the face of Jesus Christ.” (Quoted in John Piper, When I Don’t Desire God, 118)
John Calvin: “If God contains in himself all good things as an inexhaustible fountain, those who aspire to the supreme good and perfect happiness must not long for anything beyond him.” (Institutes, 3.25.10)
From “Proclaim” (Jim Donohue) August 31
Text: 1 Peter 2:1-12
God has made us His people so that we might proclaim His excellencies.
When you comprehend what God has done for you (on the cross) and who you are, you will want to proclaim the greatness of God.
A holy community is one of our most powerful evangelistic weapons. When we comprehend this it will move us to change.
From “Grow” (Andy Farmer) September 7
Text: Ephesians 3:20 – 4:16
The Call to a Church that wants to glorify Christ is to grow up in Christ.
John Piper: “Horizontal relationships matter finally, because the glory of God matters supremely. Our aim in every relationship is ultimately to awaken, strengthen, and deepen a joyful, fruitful passion for God through Jesus Christ.” (“Treasuring Christ Together, JBC Winter 2004, 86)
The world cares not for our religious gatherings and moral stances. But it stands up and takes notice when sinners love each other in a way only the Gospel makes possible.
You can listen to all three of these messages here.
From “Treasure” (Jared Mellinger) August 24
Text: Psalm 16
God has created us to treasure Him, and the Christian life is one of deepening our delight in this treasure. This is our mission as a church.
George Muller: “In what way shall we attain to this settled happiness of soul? How shall we learn to enjoy God? How shall we obtain such an all-sufficient soul-satisfying portion in him as shall enable us to let go of the things of this world as vain and worthless in comparison? I answer, This happiness is to be obtained through the study of the Holy Scriptures. God has therein revealed Himself unto us in the face of Jesus Christ.” (Quoted in John Piper, When I Don’t Desire God, 118)
John Calvin: “If God contains in himself all good things as an inexhaustible fountain, those who aspire to the supreme good and perfect happiness must not long for anything beyond him.” (Institutes, 3.25.10)
From “Proclaim” (Jim Donohue) August 31
Text: 1 Peter 2:1-12
God has made us His people so that we might proclaim His excellencies.
When you comprehend what God has done for you (on the cross) and who you are, you will want to proclaim the greatness of God.
A holy community is one of our most powerful evangelistic weapons. When we comprehend this it will move us to change.
From “Grow” (Andy Farmer) September 7
Text: Ephesians 3:20 – 4:16
The Call to a Church that wants to glorify Christ is to grow up in Christ.
John Piper: “Horizontal relationships matter finally, because the glory of God matters supremely. Our aim in every relationship is ultimately to awaken, strengthen, and deepen a joyful, fruitful passion for God through Jesus Christ.” (“Treasuring Christ Together, JBC Winter 2004, 86)
The world cares not for our religious gatherings and moral stances. But it stands up and takes notice when sinners love each other in a way only the Gospel makes possible.
You can listen to all three of these messages here.
Friday, September 5, 2008
Is Fatherhood a Threat to Masculinity?
So, I’m sitting in the doctor’s office waiting for my turn to be called back through the magic door to wait longer for someone else to walk through another magic door. As I’m waiting, I glance through the array of magazines and come across Parent Magazine.
Right there on the cover of their June ’08 issue was a title that grabbed my attention: The New Face of Fatherhood. I was intrigued. It focused on the fact that fathers are spending more time with their children and thinking more of their children than a generation ago. These seem like good and admirable changes and families are probably better off. Parent Magazine agrees.
As I read on, I encounter the following sub-head in the article: Dad’s: The New Working Mothers.
The article then took a turn toward stay-at-home dads and the merging of gender roles in the home. And I got to thinking: “Is it possible to focus more of your heart and attention at home while still being a man’s man? Do you have to sacrifice masculinity to be an effective dad?”
In seconds, my questions turned to statements as I surveyed the field of men that I know…including the men of this church. These are some of the most masculine men …some of the most godly …and some of the best fathers. And then, finally, I camped on one question: What separates these masculine men from the rest? Here’s what I found:
1. They define themselves the way that God defines them: These guys are first and foremost disciples of Christ…sons of God. Then, they are men. God created them with a gender that God intended for them to live in light of…and these men do that…faithfully.
2. They know what God has called them to do as men: These guys are not just loving and nurturing their children, they are leading them. These same guys lead their homes toward godliness and instruct their homes in the Word. They love their wives, lead their wives, and raise up their children with the purpose of glorifying God.
3. These men are humble in the character but confident in their God: These guys do not possess the age-old bravado that used to characterize manliness. They know they are sinners and live suspicious of their own motives…in parenting, in marriage, and in life. Yet, they don’t allow their pursuit of humility to make them wish-washy. They stand tall and strong as men, not due to some false sense of confidence, but in the true confidence that God has called them to be men.
So, is there a new face to fatherhood? Maybe there is…and maybe that’s a good thing. Is fatherhood a threat to masculinity? No. Not if a man keeps in mind who God has made him to be. I could never love like a mother…and Gina could never love like a father. It would be foolish to try…God has not made to do so. But as fathers and mothers, we can all move forward, in faith, knowing that God will provide the wisdom and strength to love as we ought. Thank God!
Right there on the cover of their June ’08 issue was a title that grabbed my attention: The New Face of Fatherhood. I was intrigued. It focused on the fact that fathers are spending more time with their children and thinking more of their children than a generation ago. These seem like good and admirable changes and families are probably better off. Parent Magazine agrees.
As I read on, I encounter the following sub-head in the article: Dad’s: The New Working Mothers.
The article then took a turn toward stay-at-home dads and the merging of gender roles in the home. And I got to thinking: “Is it possible to focus more of your heart and attention at home while still being a man’s man? Do you have to sacrifice masculinity to be an effective dad?”
In seconds, my questions turned to statements as I surveyed the field of men that I know…including the men of this church. These are some of the most masculine men …some of the most godly …and some of the best fathers. And then, finally, I camped on one question: What separates these masculine men from the rest? Here’s what I found:
1. They define themselves the way that God defines them: These guys are first and foremost disciples of Christ…sons of God. Then, they are men. God created them with a gender that God intended for them to live in light of…and these men do that…faithfully.
2. They know what God has called them to do as men: These guys are not just loving and nurturing their children, they are leading them. These same guys lead their homes toward godliness and instruct their homes in the Word. They love their wives, lead their wives, and raise up their children with the purpose of glorifying God.
3. These men are humble in the character but confident in their God: These guys do not possess the age-old bravado that used to characterize manliness. They know they are sinners and live suspicious of their own motives…in parenting, in marriage, and in life. Yet, they don’t allow their pursuit of humility to make them wish-washy. They stand tall and strong as men, not due to some false sense of confidence, but in the true confidence that God has called them to be men.
So, is there a new face to fatherhood? Maybe there is…and maybe that’s a good thing. Is fatherhood a threat to masculinity? No. Not if a man keeps in mind who God has made him to be. I could never love like a mother…and Gina could never love like a father. It would be foolish to try…God has not made to do so. But as fathers and mothers, we can all move forward, in faith, knowing that God will provide the wisdom and strength to love as we ought. Thank God!
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Enjoying Your Son
A short time ago Christina Roth wrote a great post on Tuesdays at the Fivebucks, called Ten Way’s to Enjoy Your Little Ones. If you have not had a chance to read it, be sure to check it out and enjoy her tips. But, what if your little ones are no longer little? In particular, what if your little boys are now older, maybe 8 to 13 years old? Here are five “different and creative” ideas to enjoy some time together:
1. Slow motion wrestling. Father and son perform a wrestling match in slow motion. As you wrestle be sure to accentuate all your moves with facial expressions, sounds effects and echoing noises when grasping, throwing, and rolling each other. A good way to start is for dad to say to his son, “S-o-n, g-e-t r-r-r-e-a-d-y t-o (t-o, t-o) g-o-o-o dooooooown!” Then, follow up by slow-mo pointing to the ground (indicating you are about to take him to the mat). Son replies with slow motion laughter, “Boooo harrrr hhhhar har,” and does a slow motion back kick which Dad deflects . . . in slow motion of course. You get the idea, take it from here.
2. Weird, Wacky, and Fun Experiments. Create a fun experiment for both of you to do then do it. Document your findings through film and post it on YouTube.com. What I am planning to do with my son is a "Whopper vs. Big Mac Ant Fest Chow Down". Details of this experiment are highly classified (and quite frankly nauseating), but stay tuned for the results to be posted online this fall. You can come up with your own experiments and let you and your son’s inner Einstein come out.
3. Childhood games. Teach your son a childhood game that you played at his age. If it’s an athletic game be prepared to lose. I taught my son Curb Ball. It took him three innings to catch on then he promptly blew me away by the 9th inning.
4. Water balloon toss. Make a dozen water balloons, take them to a park and let the fun begin. Take the first water balloon and toss it to each other 3 feet apart. After each successful catch increase the distance between the both of you by 3 feet. Keep going until you miss and break the balloon. Repeat the process multiple times and see if you can increase the distance each time. Withhold several balloons for a free-for-all finale between you and your son. Don’t forget to pick up the broken pieces of balloons before you leave the park.
5. Review your wedding album with your son in a relaxed setting. Show him each page, turn them slowly. Discuss with him your wedding vows and what they mean to you and your wife. Instruct your son about the meaning of marriage and the value of it in God’s eyes. Point out various friends in the pictures and share how they have impacted your lives. Use this time as a cherished moment together with your son as you reflect on your marriage and envision him for the future.
There’s no reason Fathering can’t be fun!
1. Slow motion wrestling. Father and son perform a wrestling match in slow motion. As you wrestle be sure to accentuate all your moves with facial expressions, sounds effects and echoing noises when grasping, throwing, and rolling each other. A good way to start is for dad to say to his son, “S-o-n, g-e-t r-r-r-e-a-d-y t-o (t-o, t-o) g-o-o-o dooooooown!” Then, follow up by slow-mo pointing to the ground (indicating you are about to take him to the mat). Son replies with slow motion laughter, “Boooo harrrr hhhhar har,” and does a slow motion back kick which Dad deflects . . . in slow motion of course. You get the idea, take it from here.
2. Weird, Wacky, and Fun Experiments. Create a fun experiment for both of you to do then do it. Document your findings through film and post it on YouTube.com. What I am planning to do with my son is a "Whopper vs. Big Mac Ant Fest Chow Down". Details of this experiment are highly classified (and quite frankly nauseating), but stay tuned for the results to be posted online this fall. You can come up with your own experiments and let you and your son’s inner Einstein come out.
3. Childhood games. Teach your son a childhood game that you played at his age. If it’s an athletic game be prepared to lose. I taught my son Curb Ball. It took him three innings to catch on then he promptly blew me away by the 9th inning.
4. Water balloon toss. Make a dozen water balloons, take them to a park and let the fun begin. Take the first water balloon and toss it to each other 3 feet apart. After each successful catch increase the distance between the both of you by 3 feet. Keep going until you miss and break the balloon. Repeat the process multiple times and see if you can increase the distance each time. Withhold several balloons for a free-for-all finale between you and your son. Don’t forget to pick up the broken pieces of balloons before you leave the park.
5. Review your wedding album with your son in a relaxed setting. Show him each page, turn them slowly. Discuss with him your wedding vows and what they mean to you and your wife. Instruct your son about the meaning of marriage and the value of it in God’s eyes. Point out various friends in the pictures and share how they have impacted your lives. Use this time as a cherished moment together with your son as you reflect on your marriage and envision him for the future.
There’s no reason Fathering can’t be fun!
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
What’s in a Name?
William Shakespeare will never be accused of setting a very high moral bar. However, he could turn a phrase and capture volumes of content in just a few words. From the lips of Juliet, Shakespeare poignantly stated:
What's in a name? that which we call a rose By any other name would smell as sweet;
Well, researchers from the University of St. Thomas believe something a bit different than Shakespeare. They make the argument that names, actually nicknames, make a big difference.
If your marriage is having great difficulty, it is unlikely that changing what you call your spouse will fix the conflict. (Of course, that depends on what you’re currently calling your spouse.) Imagine a couple in conflict when, suddenly, one calls the other “Sweetie” or “Honey.” At that point, the conflict is likely to change, that is for sure. However, that change is unlikely to increase intimacy.
Expressions of love and affection, ones of emotional intimacy, are the fruit of nurturing a marriage. Far from intimacy being created by nicknames, terms of endearment flow from a marriage that is already high in intimacy.
So, the real question is, “How can we nurture our marriages such that terms of endearment will naturally flow?”
Many, many answers could be given, but let me just suggest one action item to get us all started: Pursue Your Spouse! Identify your spouse’s interests, loves, passions, and join him or her there.
Woo her with flowers. Surprise him with a backrub. Leave her a note that tells her you love her. Stock his favorite flavor of ice cream. Clean the bathroom for her without being asked. Tune into ESPN without him needing to request it. If your both feeling particularly dramatic, you could even take in a show…maybe Romeo and Juliet.
An atmosphere of service and others-mindedness in marriage will result in intimacy. It puts the horse before the cart…right were it belongs. Only the gospel, lived out humbly with servanthood, can pull the weight of such intimacy, sustained throughout a lifetime. And only love, sown with such selfishness, will create relational intimacy that allows you to call your spouse, “Schnookems.” What’s in a name? The fruit of a Christ-centered marriage.
What's in a name? that which we call a rose By any other name would smell as sweet;
Well, researchers from the University of St. Thomas believe something a bit different than Shakespeare. They make the argument that names, actually nicknames, make a big difference.
… nicknames and other "idiosyncratic communication" (words, phrases and/or gestures that have meaning just between the members of a relationship) create intimacy and closeness. Developing connection rituals of any kind is essential for creating emotional bonds and a "culture of two" in marriage.
CAUTION:
CART-BEFORE-THE-HORSE ALERT!
If your marriage is having great difficulty, it is unlikely that changing what you call your spouse will fix the conflict. (Of course, that depends on what you’re currently calling your spouse.) Imagine a couple in conflict when, suddenly, one calls the other “Sweetie” or “Honey.” At that point, the conflict is likely to change, that is for sure. However, that change is unlikely to increase intimacy.
Expressions of love and affection, ones of emotional intimacy, are the fruit of nurturing a marriage. Far from intimacy being created by nicknames, terms of endearment flow from a marriage that is already high in intimacy.
So, the real question is, “How can we nurture our marriages such that terms of endearment will naturally flow?”
Many, many answers could be given, but let me just suggest one action item to get us all started: Pursue Your Spouse! Identify your spouse’s interests, loves, passions, and join him or her there.
Woo her with flowers. Surprise him with a backrub. Leave her a note that tells her you love her. Stock his favorite flavor of ice cream. Clean the bathroom for her without being asked. Tune into ESPN without him needing to request it. If your both feeling particularly dramatic, you could even take in a show…maybe Romeo and Juliet.
An atmosphere of service and others-mindedness in marriage will result in intimacy. It puts the horse before the cart…right were it belongs. Only the gospel, lived out humbly with servanthood, can pull the weight of such intimacy, sustained throughout a lifetime. And only love, sown with such selfishness, will create relational intimacy that allows you to call your spouse, “Schnookems.” What’s in a name? The fruit of a Christ-centered marriage.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Prepare for lift-off…
Though the pace of our lives seems to change overnight, the peaceful order of our homes and hearts need not. There are some simple things that we can do to keep our lives and families from rocketing out of control…
- First things first: Don’t neglect daily time with the Lord; it is a lifeline. We have the privilege of daily drawing grace from the one who is sufficient for every need, care, trial, and weakness. And Scripture promises, “You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you…” (Isaiah 26:3).
It might also be a good time to listen or re-listen to
- Remember priorities: We can feel the acute need to “get things done”, but we must take care that this does not happen at the expense of our husbands and children. Make sure they know they are your first priority. Take time to draw them out each day and find out about their experiences—their joys, their trials, their needs. Encourage them and help them where they need it.
- Plan ahead: Take time at the beginning of the week to check your schedule. Make note of special needs and events for the upcoming week. Plan easy meals or left-overs for busy days. Make sure you have needed school supplies or clean sports uniforms ahead of time. Try packing lunches the night before.
- Coordinate schedules: We usually take a portion of our family night to talk about the upcoming week so that everyone knows what to expect. This also makes it easier to involve our children in serving the needs of the family from week to week.
- Get adequate sleep: How easy it s to burn the midnight oil trying to get done with that never-ending “to do” list. But there is enough time each day to do everything that the Lord has appointed for that day. Psalm 127:2 says, “It is vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for he gives to his beloved sleep.” What a benevolent Father!
Lastly, remember who cares for us as we labor in caring for our families…”And let us not grow weary in doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.” (Galatians 6:9)
Monday, September 1, 2008
“If he was half the leader his wife is, he’d be a good president”
Do you know who this observation is referring to? Before you fill in the blank with the president you’d wish had never ended up in the White House here’s the answer:
Abraham Lincoln.
This less than favorable review of Lincoln’s first year in office reminds us that it takes a historical perspective to truly evaluate those who lead our country.
Since we are right in the middle of presidential convention season, and looking forward to a fall full of presidential politics, it might be good to prepare our hearts and our minds to discern reality from what will be a great deal of theater. With this in mind consider the wise words of Samuel Adams, the American Revolutionary Statesman:
God give us men a time like this demands
Strong minds, great hearts, true faith, and ready hands
Men whom the lust of office does not kill
Men whom the spoils of office cannot buy
Men who possess opinions and a will
Men who have honor; men who will not lie
Abraham Lincoln.
This less than favorable review of Lincoln’s first year in office reminds us that it takes a historical perspective to truly evaluate those who lead our country.
Since we are right in the middle of presidential convention season, and looking forward to a fall full of presidential politics, it might be good to prepare our hearts and our minds to discern reality from what will be a great deal of theater. With this in mind consider the wise words of Samuel Adams, the American Revolutionary Statesman:
God give us men a time like this demands
Strong minds, great hearts, true faith, and ready hands
Men whom the lust of office does not kill
Men whom the spoils of office cannot buy
Men who possess opinions and a will
Men who have honor; men who will not lie
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)